Life, pixilated

Happy New Year

puregreenjade — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 17:30:30 +0000

Here on the cusp of another arc in my life, I look back at the things I did and did not do this year. There always seems to be more of the latter than the former. Am I bummed out about it, or disappointed, or sad… I don’t know. It seems that all I ever seem to feel is apathy and it’s so hard to get me excited or psyched about something for long. Do I sound defeated? Depressed? Maybe I am a little bit.

This year, some things have taken a toll on my health – time, for one. Work. Worries. I hate saying it because giving voice to something seems to make it real. On the up side, well, it makes me more aware of how important it is to get enough rest, eat well, etc etc, the whole drill. I shouldn’t even be up right now, being shit company to nobody but myself.

There have been some things I view in a positive light. It’s been a good year for reading, after discovering two new authors. For me, it’s somewhat of an escapist thing to do, to lose myself in books instead of brooding over things. It’s not a bad thing, diverting your attention from things you can’t change. Some things I could though – I changed jobs to a global agency. Don’t know yet if it was a good change or a bad change but after being stagnant in one spot, any change is good I guess. I’m learning new things, improving my craft, and that’s always good.

Recently I’ve been into photography. It’s given me a considerable amount of fun and interest, and that’s good. I’m even quite excited over these coaching sessions I’ve been receiving online, so we’ll see how that goes. At least the 2 year old DSLR is put to good use. What I’ve been lax though, is in my writing, and that’s bad. Too many things have been going on. I’m rushing a submission for a short story compilation, so if I make it I can at least say I did something. Which sucks.

I’m not ungrateful for the people in my life either, though this year I could’ve prioritised my friends more. I could try and explain it away with the whole health/worry issues, but… maybe it’s also lack of effort on my part. My relationship has taken precedence, and it has been a source of joy and comfort for most part. But I don’t know where it’s going and I wish there is more conviction and assurance.

Just keeping things real. I will not do myself a disservice and wallow in uncertainty. What I know more than I have ever known anything is that you have one life and it is not long.

So let’s try to make the best out of 2012. And cherish the people close to your heart.

That time of the year again

puregreenjade — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:56:37 +0000

As the years go by, certain dates become more meaningful than they otherwise would have been if not for my old unwelcome companion, PAH. Like my birthday today, for one. I am blessed, and as usual I am grateful that I’m still here today. I’m a little more worn out, a little more worried and at times a little more depressed, but it has not defeated my will to carry on or ability to enjoy life. Not as much as it could. So fuck you very much, PAH! I’m still standing in my late twenties… – Good Lord, I feel old. But I feel alright, and I feel like there’s time left.

I wish some people could get that, though… that these milestones like my birthday, the day I was diagnosed, even Christmas, mean something to me aside from the obvious. Every year that passes grows closer to the year that won’t, and nobody can tell when that is for someone like me, so it is a triumph that it isn’t THIS year. I’m being a bit morbid but funnily, to be able to be grateful for what you have, you first have to know what lies on the other side.

So excuse me if I get emotional, sentimental or even display a bit of bitterness over the people I feel should understand but don’t seem to give me the time of the day. Blame it on the meds.

Thank God for my friends. My closest, oldest friends threw me a little dinner last Friday and stuffed me with chocolate truffle. It was great, and that’s all I could ask for, really… the company of the people I love over a hearty meal. That’s one of life’s greatest pleasures.

An update

puregreenjade — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 11:34:07 +0000

I think my absence here and in any other writing avenue in general reflects how much has been going on in my life. It’s been a very full year so far. I quit my job, for one, to go to a global agency smack in the middle of the city. I took a holiday in Hong Kong. I won a print award for my first print ad campaign. I had a major makeover for my room. I’m dating again. And the battle with PPH is wearying.

All in all, it feels like I’ve not had a moment to just breathe. And a large part of that is due to the new job. There’s a fresh energy to work, to a new environment, which I like… but it’s been a lot of pressure trying to prove myself on a demanding account, under a creative director from London that I am trying to read and adjust to. Is it worth it in the end, if things don’t let up? I’m getting paid more than any of my peers, but what’s it all for if I am not exactly having a good time? I suppose while it’s not unbearable, I’ll just muster a positive attitude and see what happens. I just need to give things a chance, and 2 months++ is still too early to tell if I’m going to like it there or not. It’s…not too bad. For now.

My young friend

puregreenjade — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 11:35:32 +0000

I thought about you a few days before and on the anniversary of your untimely passing. It has been 4 years, but again I was overcome by sadness that you aren’t here anymore and that familiar… panic mixed with dread… that I need to keep our memories intact and keep something physical of yours because if I don’t, it’s like you never existed. It’s like, without these words and thoughts and the gifts I kept, you were never in my life. Isn’t that… odd and frightening? But for that little while, you were. I remember the first time I ever talked to you was in the old hall’s dining room. You were wearing a hall T-shirt, like you frequently did because you loved KR and being part of it so much, and were helping to organize the chairs back in their places. I think it was after a performance. You were so smiley with those gorgeous dimples and so friendly, and I was taken by that nerdy charm of yours, and the quirky accent. We talked a lot more since then… about your family, your passions like stage production and photography, and even your dog (Benny?!). I thought we’d lose touch after I returned to KL but you were better than that… we met up at least twice, and I was amazed, even envious, at how you were pursuing your dreams in such a big way. You did all these things with theatre companies, and you went to Yale. You did what you loved. Thanks, my friend, for living your life so passionately as an example to the rest of us. May we never take our lives for granted.

In memory of Pierre Andre Salim.

Like a swing

puregreenjade — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 15:18:08 +0000

Sometimes I feel alright enough, that I can accept the things that happen and even be optimistic or philosophical about it. After all, circumstances can always be worse than they are. And I have a support system of friends and family that I can just reach out to. I am grateful my loved ones are well and happy. Those days are good days.

Then it could be just something someone says, or some bad memory or pent-up sentiment bubbling up, set off by something random and small. And suddenly one thought snowballs to another and I start to entertain thoughts about what it’s like to give up, to just take the easy way out. Disappear. Die. Whatever. Maybe it’ll just be easier on everyone else too, even to those who’d notice.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Just kind of wallowing a bit. For the record, I hate people who threaten suicide and emotionally blackmail people around them. Bullshit selfish attention seekers.

I’m just expressing what an uphill climb it has been to finally be in a place where I can be confident and have my feet on the ground. But it doesn’t take much to shake me off this plateau, and I have to climb back up.

Wise Monday

puregreenjade — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 08:37:33 +0000

When someone asks for help, it empowers both the helper and the helpee.

—–

Sometimes you feel the saddest when you’re happy.

Every day is a gift

puregreenjade — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 16:16:48 +0000

Nobody asked to be born. Our lives weren’t owed to us. We hold no right to this existence. It is a gift, granted for big cosmic reasons we may never know, to fulfill some purpose that may never be clear to some of us. I will try to remind myself to be thankful every day that I have and not waste time on the negatives. I will try not to be terrified of the unknown and of death and uncertainties, because every day I am already blessed for being given this much more time to live. I am blessed for being given time at all. We ALL are. The 14th approaches, which is the 8th anniversary of my enduring relationship with PPH.

Ramblings 2011

puregreenjade — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 14:06:01 +0000

Throughout the day, there are many things that run through my head that I think I should write about… but funny thing is, when I actually come to this blank text field, my mind draws the same thing – a blank.

I think, right off the top of my head, I want to just put down in black and white the things I have a burning lusting need to achieve this year. I will…

- FINISH that damn book of mine by mid-year.
- take photography classes
- update/polish/craft my resume by April
- regularly get my stuff up for critique on the art site
- keep pushing the envelope for the new car account

Speaking of the new car account, the year seems to have jump-started in high gear. For one of the campaigns, we got to recce one of the most beautiful and exclusive resorts in the region, including seeing areas where only the very privileged get to. Some great print and DM work has already gone out, with more coming soon as well as digital work. It’s a dream account and I better not slack off or screw it up if I want this to be a notch in the belt of my career.

And then? Then we’ll see what happens. After reaping in the awards I’m imagining in my head. Ha-ha.

I’ve made a commitment to my physical well being. None of us are getting any younger, so it’s regular meals no matter how busy it gets at the office and no more super late nights as much as I can help it. So much easier said than done, unfortunately.

I’ve made a commitment to my mental well being. Life should be lived large without anything holding you back. So let go of resentment, bitterness, anger and sadness. Let go. Let go, let go, let go. It doesn’t mean it’s okay for people to have done/said the things they did, or how they may continue to hurt you. But you choose to live a life of love and grace. Your conscience is clear. God will give you your strength and dignity back. I believe that how much love you give to people is how much life will give back to you. Again, easier said than done.

But hey, we try and we live another day to try

Wee~

puregreenjade — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 06:53:35 +0000

I’m 27 today. Damn it! It’s nice to get lots of wishes, though.

December’s coming

puregreenjade — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:20:49 +0000

It’s my favourite month! My birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, random festivities… what’s there not to love about December. It’s a little early to do my year-end wrap up, but I have been having recurring thoughts about this year which I’d like to put down in case I forget.

Firstly – chemistry is rare, but so are decent, strong core values or philosophies or world views or approaches to life, whatever you want to call it. Chemistry has been put on such a pedestal, everything else takes a back seat. “Oh I have great chemistry with him/her” – so fucking what? Do they believe in love? In anything? What are their ideals? Are they willing to fight for you when the cards are laid out? Or are they the first to abandon ship? Chemistry is passe. And it’s entirely possible that you could mistake your own gregarious nature for chemistry. So just the fact that you can get along with somebody isn’t entirely reliable. It could be because you’re just a damn nice person.

So don’t put your eggs in the basket of chemistry. The eggs will be flung right back at you and you’ll be just there dripping with egg looking and feeling like a downright idiot for having bought any of the eggs in the first place.

If I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder it’s because it has hurt like nothing else has for a big part of this year. But you know what? I’m as tired of it as anybody would be after they’ve stewed in a pot of pain and self doubt and insecurity and low self esteem for as long as they have. There IS a reason why I reflect at the end of every year, which is to really to trim the weeds and plain hack off rotting limbs.

I will do whatever it takes to be happy and to make my time on Earth meaningful and did I say, be happy. HAPPY. If it means I have to sacrifice certain things for myself, then so be it. And to that end, I’m grateful to my friends – the usual suspects, you guys know who you are – for sticking by me no matter how tiresome it got, or how my heart wasn’t in anything else.

But I don’t want to appear to place so much significance on something which was just one part of so many other things going on my life.

My career reached another level this year, with an unexpected and fairly big raise, swankkky hotel stays in Singapore and being part of the teams that have won big local and regional pitches. I had chances to work with and get my writing reviewed with creative directors from India, New York, England and South Africa – which were invaluable experiences and gave me a newfound sense of confidence about my writing. I’ve led around 3 small pitch teams this year, which is no great shakes in itself, but nevertheless forced me to assume much more responsibilities than I normally would.

Do I enjoy being thrust in a leadership role? I’d say no, because of my natural aversion to being in the direct line of fire from my superiors, but I’d say it’s gratifying to see things come together, pushed and pushed inexorably towards this state of completion that just might come close to satisfying our perfectionist boss.

My personal writing has finally gotten a long-awaited kick in its proverbial arse, with 2 workshops – one short one at the beginning of the year, and a longer, more immersive one not too long ago. And I’m finally getting out of that where-do-i-even-begin mindset and gotten out pieces firstly on an art site, then peer-critiqued in the workshop, and currently in a state of mild panic to get this 80,000 word piece out by end of the year.

One of my pieces got published in a compilation of flash fiction from the aforementioned art site.

So, it’s a start but it’s still a long way to go before I attain something I can really be proud of.

On a more sober note, this year, I’ve been compelled to put more emphasis on my health – sleeping early, eating regularly, easing up on the partying. PPH has loomed larger than usual, for many reasons. One being the costs of my medication. Two, having it to affect me more than I care to admit. Three, it actually being at the forefront of recent dramas. On and off this year, I’ve felt very afraid for myself, and guilty for the worry my family has for me… but here’s where I’ve discovered that God has come to provide in so many ways. In my blackest hours, there was always a way out, or an abiding sense of comfort and peace.

Sometimes you have to just let things be. And stop struggling for what you think you want out of life. Doesn’t it say somewhere that God laughs at our plans?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been so tense this year and my mind’s so wrapped up in certain issues that I’ve neglected to just take a step back, get a bird’s eye view on things and just be more receptive to the positive things going on. I know I must sound a lot heavier than I did last year, but that’s just going to change. I will regain my optimism and start really feeling good again. That’s what I want next year, just a very small and humble aim.

Oh yes, and make more money. That always helps.

Next year, I also think there might be some big changes regarding my family’s living arrangements. I’m not sure what the verdict is going to be, but whatever it is, the priority must be that my parents must be happy. They’re retired and should spend their golden years in whatever way makes them happy. Happy. Can’t we all just be happy? We should. What the heck do we live for if not to be just that?