When I saw the huge bouquet of flowers, it never even occurred to me that they were from you. See, that’s the thing. You would never do something you didn’t like to do just because it MIGHT make somebody happy. And yet I’m the one casted as the bad guy in some stage drama that doesn’t even feel like my life anymore.

“PH Fatigue. That’s what you’ve got, Aileen. It is a side effect of survival. When patients were living the Textbook 3-5 Year Prognosis, they didn’t get to the point of being tired of living with PH. They just wanted to survive. But for those of us who are surviving longer there is an actual emotional cost. I almost never talk about it for fear that I would sound ungrateful for my longevity when there are some patients who are hoping to live as long as I have. And they have a right to want that. However, I think with any disease that makes life hard it is not uncommon to feel “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. And then there is the endurance associated with the harsh meds which keep us alive.”

All of us in the office just felt the earthquake all the way in Sumatra which measured about 7.9 on the Richter. I heard some commotion then felt this nauseating swaying motion which made me wonder if my blood pressure was low today lol. The glass doors to our adjacent rooms were swaying. The timing is so close to the Samoan quake too. Lots of people FB-ing and Tweeting about it. Someone’s comment made me laugh out loud: “I feel the earth, move, under my feet…”

I’ve been all gloom and doom lately, it’s even been getting to me!  Not only due to my surgery but also while in the hospital I had some time (well, a lot of time) to think about the things in my life, and I really want to get more out of every day. We toil and toil day in day out, and in the endless cycle of rinse and repeat we lose sight of what we’re doing it for.

So together with my recently discovered kindred spirit Nieves, I’m going to try and do more things that I enjoy and maybe even meet new people on the way. We’re in absolute agreement on this course of action! So far we’ve been checking out salsa bars (with the intention of taking up classes next month; would be perfect if djb can join us too!) and attending live band nights at this cool place. Well ok, I attended one night but plan to go again tomorrow. The band that night plays very classic rock oldies like the Beatles, and they really surpassed my expectations. I knew they would be seasoned performers, but the lead singer can also play several instruments (he totally rocked the harmonica), and the guitarist had pretty l33t skillz. They both can sing well too. I mean… this is no Laundry with prepubescent kids who are still taking music lessons lol.

Doing this feels good not because I wanna be ‘happening’… I would go and mindlessly club in KL if that were the case… but it’s adds something meaningful to my day. I love dance, I love music, and I get to have good conversations with someone whose company I enjoy. I’ve also met some new people, like Eve’s friends, and another salsa newbie.

There’s something about small talk with new people that brings the hope and sparkle of fresh beginnings; that your slate is wiped clean and without the baggage of your past, without the preconceptions that casual acquaintances (and sometimes close friends) have about you, you can be the person you want to be. Dunno if that made any sense.

Attending salsa gatherings has been quite an education – I had no idea people met up so regularly and in such large numbers! Well, relatively large, though nothing compared to line dancing aunties, heheh. Now they are hardcore, lol. It’s inspiring too, ‘cos you wanna be able to do all those cool moves. But tonight Nieves had to abruptly leave, because there was a… situation she had to go deal with. Be strong babe, and don’t forget how much you’ve achieved over the last few months.

I’m sleeeeepy now… just thought I’d update before logging off and calling djb. I love hearing his voice before I sleep.

Hope… I… can… wake… up… for… work…

Just…one…more…night…

In both wards, I’ve been placed next to windows. I can see the landmarks I drive by regularly, and beyond. I want to be in my car.

When I look into your eyes I see everything that could be that I never thought I deserved. But you do, and I want to give them to you.

What should be calm and quiet is punctuated by laboured breaths of the sick, dry rattles, snores and agonised moans.

I remember feeling like someone was wringing my intestines like a wet cloth, while holding a pin in the palm.

Staring at salmon pink curtains the whole day is supposed to be conducive for recovery?