08.26.09
Self validation
Do you need it? From whom or what? Why do some people seek it from say, having many ‘friends’ or going out a lot or cozying up to random people they meet? “Look at me, look at me,” they scream with their 1,000,001 social networking pictures. Okayy… ask yourself, what have you achieved and what do you want to achieve? Have you gotten a step closer?
In my own industry it’s hard not to want to be validated by awards. There is merit in your work being judged for a certain standard of craft and creativity… but for it to be effective in meeting the objectives, craft and creativity can often be sacrificed. Truly great stuff measure up in all ways.
I’ve been disappointed by the lack of any recent wins and even anything much to submit in the first place, and I said as much to the in-house Donald Trump… he talked about the economy, how billable work has decreased so there’s no chance for us to do any novel stuff anyway, blabla… Oh well.
On a more personal level… I think the way I validate my place in this world is really, what have I done today to make a difference to someone/something. Did I cheer up someone with a lame joke, did I show empathy or kindness to somebody who needs it, did I discard somebody’s feelings, did I make a significant contribution in my work? It’s not at all how many people like me (and I know I’m not exactly your charming air kissing socialite) but how I treat the people/things I care about.
I think it’s only when you set a bar for yourself is when it really, really doesn’t matter what other people think of you. You self validate.
Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Assessment
I’ve recently been fascinated by this… test… that’s apparently the best known and most widely used personality assessment. Apparently they even teach it at Harvard. There’s a whole history and scientific method to this test, but to cut it short, there are 16 types – you answer a bunch of questions as honestly as you can and it’ll categorise you. Basically, each type describes one’s way of perceiving the world and making decisions.
As I was skeptical about the version I took on Facebook, I searched online and did 2 other versions. All yielded the same result: I’m type INFP – Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perceiving.
Which I at first questioned, so I googled up some definitons.
Basic description: INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics. They seek an external life that is in keeping with these values. Loyal to the people and causes important to them, INFPs can quickly spot opportunities to implement their ideals. They are curious to understand those around them, and so are accepting and flexible except when their values are threatened.
Yea yea, some of you are snickering already. Ok I may not be such an apparent introvert as the results suggest…but I think I’m a FAKE extrovert. REAL extroverts gain energy in social situations, whereas I expend it… and God knows I’d rather skip the meaningless niceties around people I hardly know and stay home and read a book or something.
But anyway, apparently these are some INFP traits, which are nice to be perceived to have:
- Creative, imaginative, artistic
- Usually talented writers
Look which greatest English writer in the world was an INFP 
- Never lose their sense of wonder, see life through rose-coloured glasses
- Mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities –> Hey! I was just writing about a tree lol
- Highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path –> Kinda never been able to reconcile the commercial nature of my job with this desire; but I rebel in small ways, like refusing tobacco accounts or a certain oil company, or trying to sneak in good causes in my ideas and craft, or write pro bono on request
- Usually good listeners who genuinely want to hear about someone’s problems, and genuinely want to help them –> This is true at least, as written before
- Should consciously be aware of their tendency to discard anything that doesn’t agree with their values, and work towards lessening this tendency –> Noted!
- May be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper --> Don’t know about ‘wonderful’ but I definitely express myself more precisely and comfortably by writing than speaking
- Do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it –> Yep, UNLESS I get irritated beyond my ability or desire to stay out of conflict, e.g. having to deal with certain people
- Become frustrated with those who dwell on trivialities
- When they want to be sociable, they can be exceedingly charming and outgoing –> Fake extrovert alert!
- Although they demonstrate a cool reserve toward others, inside they are anything but distant. They have a capacity for caring which is not always found in other types
No less than THE CAPTAIN OF THE FIRST WARP 5 ENTERPRISE NX-01! I heart Scott Bakula
- Being idealistic leaves them feeling isolated, especially since INFPs are found in only 1% of the general population
- They often have a subtle tragic motif running through their lives, but others seldom detect this inner minor key –> A drama mama?
If only all female INFPs could look like Audrey 
- INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything –> Even horrible ex boyfriends
- Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man’s Inhumanity to Mankind –> On a serious note, this one really resonates with me. I’m no Princess D… but I would like to make a difference in my time here
- Their idealism is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in
She dedicated her later years to helping many people and kids
The MOST complimentary traits however, are as below:
- Some INFPs have difficulty fitting into our society.
- Dislike dealing with details and routine work.
- Attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant
- Daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness –> Great, I’m delusional, lol
- Focus on fantasies, prone to dreaming about a rescuer
- Can feel defective, prone to lateness
- Wounded at the core
- Familiar with the dark side
- Hermit, loner
- More likely to support marijuana legalization –> The world would certainly be a lot happier! If terrorists were perpetually high on weed, there’d be a lot more burnt grass than burnt buildings
- Prone to irresponsibility
- Practicality is not a driving force for INFPs
- They may demonstrate a tendency to take deliberate liberties with logic –> This is funny… I’m irrational too^^
- The INFP questor probably has more problems in mating than any other type –> 
Anyway, go get your own MBTI assessment here.
08.16.09
Feelings can’t be wrong, can they?
After all, it’s all chemicals and hormones and whatever juices sloshing around our bodies, right? There’s no universal right or wrong when it comes to feelings, because it’s not like some absolute quality. In fact, ‘absolute’ is exactly what they’re not; they’re dependent on external conditions for their very existence.
So I can’t be wrong sayyy, when I feel uncomfortable hanging out with certain people, or when certain people piss me off. And I can’t be wrong when I feel disappointed certain people don’t really understand certain things, or even bother to try to understand. I can’t be wrong to feel like loyalty’s a rare asset these days.
I’m tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me for feeling the way I do, since maybe only one or two people seem to get it and not even the person I hope would get it. That feeling seems to be seriously misguided. Why should I have to justify my feelings about certain people who have no consequence whatsoever in my life? And my feelings are completely understandable if you really consider the facts, it’s not rocket science by a mile. I’m neither right nor wrong to feel the way I do, it’s just the way I feel. I’m not the bad guy here. I live my life by being happy with who and what I surround myself with.
Perhaps one day I’ll look back and it’ll be all a laugh but until then, I have a right to choose who I associate myself with. People who reflect the values I admire, people who add richness to my life, people who embody joy and honesty and trust and everything good, and people to whom I can try and do the same.
That’s not wrong, is it?
08.08.09
Open yourself up to your own detriment
Out of the 3 times I’ve fully let someone into my heart unconditionally, trustingly and absolutely, 2 of them broke me in such a way that my reactions to love and relationships – whether personally or from a 3rd person’s perspective – have been irrevocably affected. Innocence and simplicity seems to be gone, to be replaced by convoluted emotions, second-guessing, paranoia and Plan Bs.
Plan Bs. Somehow or other I’ve always had one through many of my relationships. Whether it was someone else who was waiting, or friends to fill my time with, or new hobbies and activities… At the end of the day, I can tell myself, “It’s ok to let go. That way, I can be free to do what I want. The whole world is at my feet anyway.” To hang by a thread, to put all your eggs in a basket that has holes at the bottom… where’s the good sense in that?
I used to believe that love is enough. Pure, sweet, simple love. Untainted by emotional baggage, skewed perceptions, unreasonable demands and expectations. Third parties.
As a young girl, I’d drift off to sleep imagining romantic waltz scenes aboard cruise ships or in a grand ballroom, like how I saw during prime time movie nights, with a tall dashing man (or my crush of the day) who had eyes for no one else and held me like I was the most precious thing in all the world. We would dance in silence, having no need for words. And I, drowning in his gaze, would go outside with him where we would hold hands under the starry night and then he would pull me in for that perfect first kiss.
I was one fucking disillusioned kid.
08.04.09
A sense of time and growth
I looked up at the sky, just at the porch of my childhood house, and realized that my view was partially obscured by the leaves that fanned out from far-reaching limbs of the tree in front of the house. Surprised, my eyes traced the little branches that stemmed from the main ones, each surrounded by little regular-shaped leaves. The tree had grown so much since I was last… aware of it.
I saw that it cast a shadow over the area I was standing. At the side of this busy main road, it shot up over the years and provided shade and a little colourful respite from the bland ugliness of the concrete jungle.
I felt a kinship to this tree right then. I remember when my dad planted the whole row of angsana branches along the main road and round the corner, all shorter than I was. It grew while I grew, without my even noticing how much it did. It’s really tall and strong now.
The tree is not spared from the effects of pollution though. Though the newer shoots are still fresh and green, much of the older leaves are gnawed by brown decay. Some of the other trees have been cut down by the authorities, as they’ve either been brushing at the power lines or threatening to topple over on the house.
But this one nearest to the front gate stands, next to the frangipani tree that’s been there even before I was born. The one that sheds crunchy leaves all over the front. As a kid I remember I used to love trampling on them so they sounded like crackers crunching up under my shoes.
I felt sad, because it takes so little to plant a tree but it gives back so much more. In life and in death. They grow so magnificently. You can feel it’s age and its wisdom. And yet, all around the world, their like is being mutilated and destroyed.
Another reason why humans just suck.
07.12.09
It’s not always doom and gloom
Why’d you need to sit in front of a computer and bang away on a keyboard if things are all fine and dandy? It’s when things aren’t that you do. Hence, this little space of mine is full of whiny emo bullshit.
Oh yeah, and I forgot about this… see, some people actually lap my textual diarrhea up gleefully and make snide annonymous little comments possibly thinking that a) I would give a rat’s ass and b) I wouldn’t think that the person who wrote it had the mental and emotional maturity of a 13 year old (no offense to 13 year olds)*. I laughed out loud ‘cos it was so obvious. C’monnn, spare me the lame attempt at mysterious spite and don’t bother with the fake smile the next time you see me.
K, I was derailed from my train of thought… now I’ve forgotten what I wanted to write about. Ok, actually I remember now. But don’t feel like talking about it as it’s late. Yawn, good night.
*a) I wouldn’t; b) I would
05.21.09
The moment
When you take the trouble to really listen to what someone’s saying and ask the right questions, you’ll find that more often than not, they’ll want to continue talking. I think that we are usually so wrapped up in our own heads that we truly don’t take the time to listen.
And why should that be? The world’s full of interesting people with interesting stories. I like hearing about stuff, opinions, experiences, whatever. Maybe it’s because sub-consciously I know I may not live through much in a short time. Or I like living through other people as my own life seems pretty mundane in comparison.
There comes a moment in a conversation, when the other person seems comfortable – eager, even – to confide and open up completely. I revel in these moments when I feel I’ve gained the ease and trust of the person I’m talking to. It is a moment of honesty, of a soul laid bare, of walls temporarily removed, when I hold still, almost afraid to say anything or change my expression in case the spell is broken.
And then there is the inevitable “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this”. Honestly, I don’t know either. But I do know that I cherish these moments of sharing and empathy, like gifts bestowed upon me in these bleak days.
05.11.09
On the subject of morality
Me me me me me… yes, this blog is all about me. I was wondering if I’ve been too self-absorbed with my posts when I also realized this is MY blog. Lol. What am I supposed to write about… current affairs? My country’s crumbling political system? Who’s dating who or who’s wearing what? We already have newspapers and tabloids to deal with that. And if I feel any of those worthy of my comments, then I will provide some. Until then, I’m just going to bore my limited pool of readers with stuff about me. That’s why you guys rock, ‘cos you stomach all this stuff just to check out what’s going on in my increasingly mundane life. ><
Anyway. Today I feel like crapping out some thoughts on morality. It is a timeless issue that we may respond to differently at different stages in our lives. But in making a stand, no matter what your life situation is, you build your character and take a step towards the ideals you want to personify.
Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong? Some of us have religions that dictate these things, and some of us are ruled by some sense of ethics possibly shaped by societal norm and culture and whatever. Humans have empathy, so generally we conduct ourselves in a way that does not cause pain and suffering to the next person.
How far does a person take his or her moral conviction? Until it becomes an inconvenience? Until it gets in the way of self-gratification? Until something has to be sacrificed in order to do the right thing?
The people I admire most hold their ground until the end, no matter what it takes to uphold their principles.
How about morals with regards to commitment? It should be fairly straightforward – if you’re committed, then commit to being committed. If not, one betrays the other’s love and trust and hence, causes the aforementioned pain and suffering. So why do bastards and bitches do it? After all, we’re supposed to be a moral and civilised society. Can there be any justification for cheating?
I’m inclined to say no, you cannot ever justify ripping a person’s heart out of their throats. But who am I to judge? All I know is that the ideals that I would like to personify do not allow for it. If there’s a problem, fix it. If there’s another person, don’t pursue it.
I agree with what a wise young woman said, that commitment is the conscious making of decisions that honour the commitment. Politely decline the invitation for drinks, for example. Don’t reply messages, or avoid situations that could potentially tempt you. No matter how hot the antagonist is. Because some things are worth saving and keeping and treasuring.
And on a biological perspective, people commit to increase their chances of conceiving and then their chances of raising an offspring to maturity. So commitment is a GOOD thing. Lol.
Just some food for thought before we all start a fresh week in our moral lives.
02.20.09
Serj Tankian and System of a Down
The former is the lead singer of the latter, and he has this awesome solo album which I’m currently obsessing over. Perhaps I’ll grab the CD soon.
Some cool songs by the Borat lookalike from his Elect The Dead album:
- The Unthinking Majority (live performance; vocals are awesome)
- Lie Lie Lie (Infectious tune; read somewhere that it’s a tale about incest, but meant to be humorous)
- Sky Is Over
- Empty Walls (I like how they use the kids in the nursery as metaphors for scenes from the war in Iraq. And having him sit in their midst playing on a toy piano is quirky yet dramatic)
Some stuff by SoaD that’s repeating ad infinitum on my playlist:
- Chop Suey (It’s already achieved like rock anthem status or something)
- Lonely Day (Melancholy stuff)
- Aerials
- B.Y.O.B
Another thing I love about rockers like Ed Ved and Serj aside from their awesome vocals, awesome songs and awesome live performances, is the fact that they use their fame for good causes. They are each social and political activists in their own right, either through their non-profit organizations or the messages in their songs. It really sets them apart from those sellout bands and singers nowadays.
l.o.v.e
