08.16.09
Feelings can’t be wrong, can they?
After all, it’s all chemicals and hormones and whatever juices sloshing around our bodies, right? There’s no universal right or wrong when it comes to feelings, because it’s not like some absolute quality. In fact, ‘absolute’ is exactly what they’re not; they’re dependent on external conditions for their very existence.
So I can’t be wrong sayyy, when I feel uncomfortable hanging out with certain people, or when certain people piss me off. And I can’t be wrong when I feel disappointed certain people don’t really understand certain things, or even bother to try to understand. I can’t be wrong to feel like loyalty’s a rare asset these days.
I’m tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me for feeling the way I do, since maybe only one or two people seem to get it and not even the person I hope would get it. That feeling seems to be seriously misguided. Why should I have to justify my feelings about certain people who have no consequence whatsoever in my life? And my feelings are completely understandable if you really consider the facts, it’s not rocket science by a mile. I’m neither right nor wrong to feel the way I do, it’s just the way I feel. I’m not the bad guy here. I live my life by being happy with who and what I surround myself with.
Perhaps one day I’ll look back and it’ll be all a laugh but until then, I have a right to choose who I associate myself with. People who reflect the values I admire, people who add richness to my life, people who embody joy and honesty and trust and everything good, and people to whom I can try and do the same.
That’s not wrong, is it?
08.08.09
Open yourself up to your own detriment
Out of the 3 times I’ve fully let someone into my heart unconditionally, trustingly and absolutely, 2 of them broke me in such a way that my reactions to love and relationships – whether personally or from a 3rd person’s perspective – have been irrevocably affected. Innocence and simplicity seems to be gone, to be replaced by convoluted emotions, second-guessing, paranoia and Plan Bs.
Plan Bs. Somehow or other I’ve always had one through many of my relationships. Whether it was someone else who was waiting, or friends to fill my time with, or new hobbies and activities… At the end of the day, I can tell myself, “It’s ok to let go. That way, I can be free to do what I want. The whole world is at my feet anyway.” To hang by a thread, to put all your eggs in a basket that has holes at the bottom… where’s the good sense in that?
I used to believe that love is enough. Pure, sweet, simple love. Untainted by emotional baggage, skewed perceptions, unreasonable demands and expectations. Third parties.
As a young girl, I’d drift off to sleep imagining romantic waltz scenes aboard cruise ships or in a grand ballroom, like how I saw during prime time movie nights, with a tall dashing man (or my crush of the day) who had eyes for no one else and held me like I was the most precious thing in all the world. We would dance in silence, having no need for words. And I, drowning in his gaze, would go outside with him where we would hold hands under the starry night and then he would pull me in for that perfect first kiss.
I was one fucking disillusioned kid.
05.21.09
The moment
When you take the trouble to really listen to what someone’s saying and ask the right questions, you’ll find that more often than not, they’ll want to continue talking. I think that we are usually so wrapped up in our own heads that we truly don’t take the time to listen.
And why should that be? The world’s full of interesting people with interesting stories. I like hearing about stuff, opinions, experiences, whatever. Maybe it’s because sub-consciously I know I may not live through much in a short time. Or I like living through other people as my own life seems pretty mundane in comparison.
There comes a moment in a conversation, when the other person seems comfortable – eager, even – to confide and open up completely. I revel in these moments when I feel I’ve gained the ease and trust of the person I’m talking to. It is a moment of honesty, of a soul laid bare, of walls temporarily removed, when I hold still, almost afraid to say anything or change my expression in case the spell is broken.
And then there is the inevitable “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this”. Honestly, I don’t know either. But I do know that I cherish these moments of sharing and empathy, like gifts bestowed upon me in these bleak days.
05.11.09
On the subject of morality
Me me me me me… yes, this blog is all about me. I was wondering if I’ve been too self-absorbed with my posts when I also realized this is MY blog. Lol. What am I supposed to write about… current affairs? My country’s crumbling political system? Who’s dating who or who’s wearing what? We already have newspapers and tabloids to deal with that. And if I feel any of those worthy of my comments, then I will provide some. Until then, I’m just going to bore my limited pool of readers with stuff about me. That’s why you guys rock, ‘cos you stomach all this stuff just to check out what’s going on in my increasingly mundane life. ><
Anyway. Today I feel like crapping out some thoughts on morality. It is a timeless issue that we may respond to differently at different stages in our lives. But in making a stand, no matter what your life situation is, you build your character and take a step towards the ideals you want to personify.
Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong? Some of us have religions that dictate these things, and some of us are ruled by some sense of ethics possibly shaped by societal norm and culture and whatever. Humans have empathy, so generally we conduct ourselves in a way that does not cause pain and suffering to the next person.
How far does a person take his or her moral conviction? Until it becomes an inconvenience? Until it gets in the way of self-gratification? Until something has to be sacrificed in order to do the right thing?
The people I admire most hold their ground until the end, no matter what it takes to uphold their principles.
How about morals with regards to commitment? It should be fairly straightforward – if you’re committed, then commit to being committed. If not, one betrays the other’s love and trust and hence, causes the aforementioned pain and suffering. So why do bastards and bitches do it? After all, we’re supposed to be a moral and civilised society. Can there be any justification for cheating?
I’m inclined to say no, you cannot ever justify ripping a person’s heart out of their throats. But who am I to judge? All I know is that the ideals that I would like to personify do not allow for it. If there’s a problem, fix it. If there’s another person, don’t pursue it.
I agree with what a wise young woman said, that commitment is the conscious making of decisions that honour the commitment. Politely decline the invitation for drinks, for example. Don’t reply messages, or avoid situations that could potentially tempt you. No matter how hot the antagonist is. Because some things are worth saving and keeping and treasuring.
And on a biological perspective, people commit to increase their chances of conceiving and then their chances of raising an offspring to maturity. So commitment is a GOOD thing. Lol.
Just some food for thought before we all start a fresh week in our moral lives.
05.06.09
People will disappoint
God knows I’ve done my fair share of disappointing people – boyfriends, friends, family, whoever – and it doesn’t feel good to let people down, but it really really sucks when the reverse happens.
Maybe I spoke too soon about looking forward to Monday because while MonDAY was sort of ok with too much work to really dwell on the bad weekend, MonNIGHT took a turn for the worse, very unexpectedly, just like how today is taking a turn for the worse.
The movie cheered me up somewhat, but my mood turned black as the sky when I was back home.
In these few days, the people who know me best and whom I care about the most simultaneously decided in their heads that it was a good time to give one back to me.
It’s beautiful how harmoniously the universe works. I mean, it just wouldn’t do for them, for Circumstances, to stagger their blows. No, obviously the world doesn’t spin that way. As it should be, the punches were delivered at the same time with very generous helping of force, like a big cosmic knuckle sandwich.
Alright, you get the breath knocked out of you, but you gotta roll with it right? Get up, suck it up and move on with life.
That’d be easy if I didn’t intermittently get angry and upset throughout the day.
For whatever my faults are (and I know there are plenty), I am there for each and every one of those I care about. I might be late, I might not be able to find the right words, or do the right thing even, whatever, but I will get there and be there in whatever way I can. I will stick up for you when others criticize (the need for this is more often than one might think), I will justify your actions even if you don’t deserve it and I will defend you whether you’re right or wrong. It may sound like blind loyalty, but that’s my promise to the few people I give a damn about. If I’ve failed anyone in doing this, it is not my intention.
Knowing what I’m willing to do and have done makes it incredibly frustrating on top of feeling abandoned.
Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I’ve had to rush a big presentation for these past two days. Only had time to brood in between delivering stuff and meetings.
Tired of dark thoughts for the past couple of days. You know, either I’m worth it or I’m not. If I’m not, don’t waste my time and yours.
01.16.09
Exhausted
Physically, mentally and emotionally… due to work, work and some really pointless fights with her over the past week or so that culminated in something not unlike an explosion today.
Maybe it’s what she said, or maybe it’s a combination of my reaction and what she said and my interpretation of it. The thing is, 90% of our fights happen as a result of our chats online so I think sometimes a lot of things get lost in translation over the line.
But today’s conversation was really uncalled for. She really crossed the line bringing my bestie into it. If you want to make it a point to tell me you’re moving on fine and you’ve got all these wonderful plans for the future, fine, it’s all well and good for you. Do what you have to do. In fact, I’ll even quietly let it go that you’re making such a POINT about it.
But the moment you try to wield my best friend like a weapon to hit me with is when you see explosions.
Bad enough I have to share some of my friends with her. It’d have all been fine if we were on good terms… but the sad fact is, we’ve got too much baggage between us right now. Again I question the effort to maintain the friendship.
Sometimes friendship is not the solution to making life happier/easier. This is the first time I’ve experienced this for myself. Because I’ve always made it a point to stay friends with exes. Why do I bother? Because as exes, we started out as friends, and then we’ve shared experiences and good feelings, we’ve cared for each other – it seems a shame to let it go down the drain. After all.. just because it did not work out romantically doesn’t mean it won’t work out platonically. Right?
But this particular ‘friendship’ has been very very trying. Well, we’ll see what happens.
I was drained after blowing up at her. She had apologized and said she didn’t mean it the way I thought she did. I don’t know… that’s what she always says in the end so I don’t know. Don’t think she’d admit otherwise. I was just already exhausted from a serious lack of sleep due to some last minute job the night before. So… I couldn’t be bothered to pursue the subject.
The whole thing was very upsetting though.
I got off work at a reasonable hour only to suddenly remember I had to collect my return trip ticket from Singapore. So there was a mild Amazing Race-like mission to get to the coach office before 9pm. Sigh. There went my relaxing night I was envisioning.
Not that I could have had one anyway. I blame the exhaustion for my crankiness. I’m going to sleep now. Zzzzz…….
01.14.09
Heartline: Call #1
You have filled a void in me which I thought would forever remain empty.
Bye bye 2008
This year has been something of a mixed blessing… I have struggled with doubts, my principals and ideals, lapses in judgement, loss, and an awareness of a future and fate that’s suddenly looming all too soon. But as a result, there has been personal growth, a keener sense of responsibility and a reminder that happiness isn’t something that’s neatly packaged and served on a silver platter.
Everything I have today I’ve either been blessed with or had to work for it. And work was what I pretty much did the whole year round, so much so that until mid-November I took I think just 2 1/2 days of leave. That’s kinda sad.
But it definitely paid off professionally in my first year as senior copywriter. My writing style now has much more flexibility to appeal to different people whereas before I’d struggled with mature target audiences. The improvement came with the growing up, having to read more and probably the fact that I was thrown in the deep end for the Dell account…
During my job evaluation last week, my boss told me (rather dramatically, I thought) that ‘my time has come’. He wants me to step up on the leadership role with the creative teams, make more creative decisions, get involved in more client presentations (shudder), start concerning myself with the improvement of the junior writers – basically ‘monkey see monkey do’ with the creative heads. That’s something to… ‘look forward to’… in 2009, I suppose.
On a more personal front, I guess I will keep at what I’ve always been doing when it comes to my family, or try to do it better: Keep seeing to their needs, contribute financially as much as I can, exercise patience, and don’t let my mouth just fly when I’m irritated. And show them that I care in that bashful, non-expressive way that Asian families do.
And on an even more personal front, this is what I will work on as values seem to have taken a back seat in an increasingly cold world:
- Consideration and understanding towards the people important to me
- More empathy, more effort
- To stick to and uphold my faith and principals
Lastly, because I want to, for a certain special someone:
- To always keep the channels of communication open
- Genuinely stick to working stuff out without taking the easy route
- Commit
The lack of these were pretty much the main reasons why previous relationships didn’t last. But by trusting me he’s restored faith in my ability to make things work. It’s been refreshing, like I’ve been given a clean slate and empowered to fill it with great things.
I guess that pretty much sums up what’s coming up… who knows? But carpe diem, it’s in our hands.
Have a good one tonight!
12.28.08
Whose secret have you spilled lately?
Seriously, nowadays you can’t trust anyone with any sort of information whatsoever. Even this blog’s URL may have been compromised and for my own precaution, I’m looking at changing it really soon as soon as I can decide on a suitable URL.
Deliberately, I have a really tiny pool of people who either a) read my shit, b) know of its existence, or c) I tell shit to, so it’s really easy for me to identify who knows what and who said what to who. Because even the person who I’m NOT telling shit to can’t keep a secret and hence, that’s how I know certain information has been leaked to this said person.
It’s not that I’m so bothered by the fact that the info gets out. But I don’t tell certain people certain things to protect THEM from facts they can’t handle. You’re only hurting them, because they cannot handle the truth or are trying to get over the truth. So you would be doing a disservice to not so much ME, but the said people.
I’m over being angry, because to be angry is to give you the honour of taking up a bit of space in my head, and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve the space of a speck of a disgested carrot that ends up coming out of my dog’s ass. You would be contaminating my dog’s crap.
Anyway, so to the people who seem to have no other better thing to do than to speculate about my absolutely fantastic life and gossip about it: I’m sorry your own existence is this sad. And actually, I don’t mind you reading my blog if it rubs it into your face that I have a fuller, richer, happier life than yours.
It’s the Christmas season though, the time for forgiving and all that, so I wil try to honour the laws that God laid out years before. Love thy enemy and all that. (In fact, keep thy enemies closer lol). And aside from certain pockets of drama springing up, I’ve actually never been happier in a long time, thanks to a certain someone.
So yes, to YOU who have spilled my secrets: I may be able to forgive in time, but as for forgetting? I’m not that good a Christian.
