February 9, 2011
Ramblings 2011
Throughout the day, there are many things that run through my head that I think I should write about… but funny thing is, when I actually come to this blank text field, my mind draws the same thing – a blank.
I think, right off the top of my head, I want to just put down in black and white the things I have a burning lusting need to achieve this year. I will…
- FINISH that damn book of mine by mid-year.
- take photography classes
- update/polish/craft my resume by April
- regularly get my stuff up for critique on the art site
- keep pushing the envelope for the new car account
Speaking of the new car account, the year seems to have jump-started in high gear. For one of the campaigns, we got to recce one of the most beautiful and exclusive resorts in the region, including seeing areas where only the very privileged get to. Some great print and DM work has already gone out, with more coming soon as well as digital work. It’s a dream account and I better not slack off or screw it up if I want this to be a notch in the belt of my career.
And then? Then we’ll see what happens. After reaping in the awards I’m imagining in my head. Ha-ha.
I’ve made a commitment to my physical well being. None of us are getting any younger, so it’s regular meals no matter how busy it gets at the office and no more super late nights as much as I can help it. So much easier said than done, unfortunately.
I’ve made a commitment to my mental well being. Life should be lived large without anything holding you back. So let go of resentment, bitterness, anger and sadness. Let go. Let go, let go, let go. It doesn’t mean it’s okay for people to have done/said the things they did, or how they may continue to hurt you. But you choose to live a life of love and grace. Your conscience is clear. God will give you your strength and dignity back. I believe that how much love you give to people is how much life will give back to you. Again, easier said than done.
But hey, we try and we live another day to try
November 29, 2010
December’s coming
It’s my favourite month! My birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, random festivities… what’s there not to love about December. It’s a little early to do my year-end wrap up, but I have been having recurring thoughts about this year which I’d like to put down in case I forget.
Firstly – chemistry is rare, but so are decent, strong core values or philosophies or world views or approaches to life, whatever you want to call it. Chemistry has been put on such a pedestal, everything else takes a back seat. “Oh I have great chemistry with him/her” – so fucking what? Do they believe in love? In anything? What are their ideals? Are they willing to fight for you when the cards are laid out? Or are they the first to abandon ship? Chemistry is passe. And it’s entirely possible that you could mistake your own gregarious nature for chemistry. So just the fact that you can get along with somebody isn’t entirely reliable. It could be because you’re just a damn nice person.
So don’t put your eggs in the basket of chemistry. The eggs will be flung right back at you and you’ll be just there dripping with egg looking and feeling like a downright idiot for having bought any of the eggs in the first place.
If I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder it’s because it has hurt like nothing else has for a big part of this year. But you know what? I’m as tired of it as anybody would be after they’ve stewed in a pot of pain and self doubt and insecurity and low self esteem for as long as they have. There IS a reason why I reflect at the end of every year, which is to really to trim the weeds and plain hack off rotting limbs.
I will do whatever it takes to be happy and to make my time on Earth meaningful and did I say, be happy. HAPPY. If it means I have to sacrifice certain things for myself, then so be it. And to that end, I’m grateful to my friends – the usual suspects, you guys know who you are – for sticking by me no matter how tiresome it got, or how my heart wasn’t in anything else.
But I don’t want to appear to place so much significance on something which was just one part of so many other things going on my life.
My career reached another level this year, with an unexpected and fairly big raise, swankkky hotel stays in Singapore and being part of the teams that have won big local and regional pitches. I had chances to work with and get my writing reviewed with creative directors from India, New York, England and South Africa – which were invaluable experiences and gave me a newfound sense of confidence about my writing. I’ve led around 3 small pitch teams this year, which is no great shakes in itself, but nevertheless forced me to assume much more responsibilities than I normally would.
Do I enjoy being thrust in a leadership role? I’d say no, because of my natural aversion to being in the direct line of fire from my superiors, but I’d say it’s gratifying to see things come together, pushed and pushed inexorably towards this state of completion that just might come close to satisfying our perfectionist boss.
My personal writing has finally gotten a long-awaited kick in its proverbial arse, with 2 workshops – one short one at the beginning of the year, and a longer, more immersive one not too long ago. And I’m finally getting out of that where-do-i-even-begin mindset and gotten out pieces firstly on an art site, then peer-critiqued in the workshop, and currently in a state of mild panic to get this 80,000 word piece out by end of the year.
One of my pieces got published in a compilation of flash fiction from the aforementioned art site.
So, it’s a start but it’s still a long way to go before I attain something I can really be proud of.
On a more sober note, this year, I’ve been compelled to put more emphasis on my health – sleeping early, eating regularly, easing up on the partying. PPH has loomed larger than usual, for many reasons. One being the costs of my medication. Two, having it to affect me more than I care to admit. Three, it actually being at the forefront of recent dramas. On and off this year, I’ve felt very afraid for myself, and guilty for the worry my family has for me… but here’s where I’ve discovered that God has come to provide in so many ways. In my blackest hours, there was always a way out, or an abiding sense of comfort and peace.
Sometimes you have to just let things be. And stop struggling for what you think you want out of life. Doesn’t it say somewhere that God laughs at our plans?
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been so tense this year and my mind’s so wrapped up in certain issues that I’ve neglected to just take a step back, get a bird’s eye view on things and just be more receptive to the positive things going on. I know I must sound a lot heavier than I did last year, but that’s just going to change. I will regain my optimism and start really feeling good again. That’s what I want next year, just a very small and humble aim.
Oh yes, and make more money. That always helps.
Next year, I also think there might be some big changes regarding my family’s living arrangements. I’m not sure what the verdict is going to be, but whatever it is, the priority must be that my parents must be happy. They’re retired and should spend their golden years in whatever way makes them happy. Happy. Can’t we all just be happy? We should. What the heck do we live for if not to be just that?
Regained a little faith, found a little comfort
A random chat with an ex-colleague. Decent guy, has a wonderful family, and runs a successful small agency. I’ve always respected him but I think this conversation really increased my regard for him by so much more. And that’s probably an indication of how much faith I’ve lost in people, because there was a time I assumed these beliefs were a given.
Me: ask u a hypothetical question
if u’d met her and found out sayyy, she had some disability in some way… would u still marry her?
SilverBoy says: Of course
Me: let’s say she couldnt have kids for some reason or other
SilverBoy says: Yes… I would still marry her
Me: let’s say the disability meant that her lifespan would be unpredictable (k getting morbid here but humour me hehe)
SilverBoy says: Then I’d make every minute I spend with her count.
October 19, 2010
Epiphanies
Am I the same person as I was a year ago? I think not, and I’m glad. It means that as a person I’m constantly evolving and improving and moving forward from setbacks. At this age, well into adulthood, in certain respects it’s surprising that mistakes are still being made, but like my dad told me once before that I never forgot – it’s not about the fall, but how you pick yourself up. That lesson is so important at this in-between, neither-here-nor-there stage, when jadedness and apathy seem to start creeping in and inadvertently a defeatist attitude puts a damper on everything. Optimism is already scarce in our everyday lives.
I remember he said it when I quit U to start work. It was a big decision back then, almost unthinkable, because all my life I’d been conditioned to follow this straight path that pretty much everyone takes – finish secondary school, go to pre-U, get into a good U, get your degree, get a stable job. Your teenage and young adult life summed up in hardly a line. Now looking back, had I stayed, I’d have been shackled to some mundane 9-5 office waiting for the hours to pass. Or not. I don’t know. But you choose your path with the information you have and you make the best of it. And that’s what you keep doing, because that’s life and nobody’s going to tell you what’s going to happen. Nobody’s going to tell you if your sacrifices are going to be worth it.
At the end of the day, there are just a few yardsticks – am I happy? Would my family be proud? Did I compromise good values and integrity?
And that’s life as I see it.
June 2, 2010
Up and down, up and fucking down
Like some sort of roller coaster designed by a kid on crack jumping on a trampoline near zero gravity. Er… yeah.
Laughter gets cut short by Disbelief.
Comfort is stabbed by Bluntness wielding a sharp knife.
Happiness is pathetic, so easily smacked down by Disappointment.
It’s been so draining, especially with having to work overtime on several new proposals and projects going live. But yea what else is new? I’m reminded of the fat increment I got, for which I’m very gratified of course, but you don’t really think about money when you’re still awake at a time when the only sound you can hear is the furious typing on your keyboard.
When do you throw in the towel? Can you differentiate one sting from another; take one and measure it against some yardstick of hurt and then decide okay, enough is enough?
Or do you take it in, because hey, whoever told you life was peachy and anyway it’s not like you’re such a princess, and just keep accepting whatever shit that people throw at you and just take it in and take it in because you’re so cool like that and everyone just loves you for how cool and laid back you are.
They love you for how cool and laid back you are. They really do. You’re such a great conversationalist, you’re such a good listener, thanks for listening, I’ve never told anyone about this, I don’t know why I’m telling you so much, you’ve got such a great sense of humour.
I’ve heard these things a million times over from different faces, and for every time I graciously accept the compliment, I sometimes imagine myself choking on them.
Because it’s a double-edged sword. I daresay now there’s probably… ONE… person in this entire world right now I open up to on a semi-regular basis. I’d probably explode and implode at the same time in a squishy bloody mess if I didn’t have her.
So you take it in, and take it in, even the fact that you can’t let anything out. I could wax lyrical about how unfair life is… but I think I’m so over that tune.
I think what I’m trying to get at is that I’m starting to notice how much my feelings can be disregarded. Whether it’s being shelved aside in a conversation or talked down upon or having pointed comments made. Because people think I’m so fucking okay with everything. Passive. That’s probably why I have slight passive aggressive tendencies too, geez.
In general, I’d just say people cannot help being people… too wrapped up in themselves to look up and see the other person and actually care. But how about those who are supposed to care about you? What then?
Being somewhat of a pushover has led me down some disastrous paths. I hope I will have enough gumption not to repeat the mistake.
April 3, 2010
Time to wake up?
Sometimes it feels like everything that’s happened has been just a dream and I’m waking up. Maybe I’ve just been deluded, or making things up in my head. Could it be? What is it am I expecting anyway? What I call the blanket silence was broken but… it’s seems like too many days too late, like a cup of water after crossing a desert. Again, what did I expect? I think… it’s a good thing I’m going away. I really need to just detach myself from this and go accomplish what I was destined to without all these… unnecessary distractions.
Sometimes the hope you place on others is the burden you end up carrying.
April 2, 2010
Getting a grip
Okay okay okay, it was a crazy ass day running to two government offices trying to get my passport renewed, running to settle my transportation, rushing to finish up a bunch of work stuff before I leave and also my freelance……………….but it’s all done and over with and I’m relieved. Don’t know what I’m running on…. air and adrenaline I think…
Keeping busy has taken my mind somewhat off other things. I am slightly more resigned to accept my circumstances, and at least not feeling overly helpless. There is strength to be drawn from letting things be. There is consolation. K is right… I shouldn’t turn things into a ‘situation’. All the little things that made up for this horrendous week weren’t all necessarily related to each other… was just my luck they came crashing down on me at the same time.
I think I unconsciously do have expectations, even though I think I don’t.
This week was really tough to face alone but I think I’m coming out stronger. I did some thinking too, and…. I’m going to get an explanation or I’m not. Either way, I’ll just let it be and accept what life has handed me in a tin cup the way I usually do. There are some things I can make happen and some things I can’t… for the latter, there’s no use then to rail against it.
So anyway. I’m leaving in the morning on Sunday, arriving nice and early in the calm before the 1 week storm, so I guess I better use that time to enjoy the king-sized bed in swanky hotel…
I’m okay… just need some sleep.
April 1, 2010
So I’ve been taking deep breaths
Well… so I realized just half an hour after my last post that my little panicky/anxious/depressed episodes have just been largely credited to hormones. Everything I feel gets intensified by the nth power.
I’m feeling much more sane, calm, though still not exactly overjoyed.
But I AM now excited about my work trip next week. It’s 8 nights in a swanky hotel, all expenses paid of course, and just a skip away from a gazillion shops, and that’s 8 days and a whole country away from my rinse-wash-repeat routine at home. I may not be spending much time in the king-sized bed, though… it seems like it’s going to be a crazy pitch for a presentation on Friday… but that’s the other exciting bit too. We’re working with 2 global creative directors on the launch of a big budget brand, how cool an opportunity is that? If there was ever a chance to see how my/our work measures up against an international yardstick, this is it. Not that we haven’t worked with global agencies before, but we usually work parallel with them and not actually together. I’m already looking forward to internals with them. Heck, we’re already starting to brainstorm today. I know we can nail this thing.
Damn, I see a sheen of varnish glued to my thumb. Goddamnit, I can’t even get a few minutes alone with thoughts of other things.
ANYWAY. We’ve never really had a creative director here … well, just twice and for very short terms. The rest of the time, we have the big boss to dress our ideas down… he’s very sharp, very strategic and very creative but he’s also running the whole show so we don’t get the full benefit of having him dedicated to that specific role. Plus, I mean… he has his own way of thinking in terms of the type of ideas he likes, which we’re used to… so it’ll be great to work with superiors who would probably have a different take on things plus they’re regional/global CDs, so I think what I could pick up from them will be realllly valuable. There’ll be other creative teams from different countries flying in to brainstorm too, which will be interesting.
It’s just too bad there’s an underlying sense of pain and confusion about other matters. Maybe I’ve been jumping the gun or psyching myself up too much. I don’t know, that’s just me, always hoping for the best and always putting so much faith in people. Would there ever be a day when I get all cynical and skeptical? I don’t know, but that would save me the emotional upsets and short-lived relationships for sure. Throwing yourself out there on the train tracks is a sure way to get hit.
March 30, 2010
Interminable
Time has been passing erratically. It sped up when my mind was taken off things, and oh so s…l…o…w…l…y when it wasn’t. Well, that’s stating the obvious.
It was a long drive back from a particular road trip, for example. I was brooding and thinking and thinking and brooding.
It was a long wait for the end of the day, interspersed with long periods of having to write/participate in the workshop I was in. I’m kind of grateful I have to do all that though… it stopped me from thinking and brooding, it made me feel productive with all the writing we had to do and got me flexing some creative muscles. My little team won the day’s challenge. I made sure we did, as I’m one of those people who cannot stand ‘losing’, especially in a group of peers ><
It’s been a long night actually, and I should be sleeping for another long day at the workshop tomorrow. But I got to play Sherlock Holmes. I was staring at the art pieces as I varnished them, putting words together in my mind for my next piece of creative writing, when I noticed words right in front of my eyes. Sat up, picked up more pieces and really paid attention.
There was Piccadilly, Picus, Pickle, Printer, Plastic… there were chemical equations, chemistry experiment illustrations, chemistry diagrams… I saw red. Parts of diagrams were coloured red almost as if randomly, as if someone just wanted to highlight/doodle on the book. But as I said, I paid attention and thought a series of these each formed either an E, W or geez, M. An E, more likely, for some reason. I puzzled over it and looked at other pieces.
Like some sort of divine light shone in my foggy brains and I attained some nirvanic enlightenment.
THEY formed Vs, Ls and Os.
I’m reaaaally looking forward to seeing what the whole thing looks like now.
As my title suggests. Interminable – In so. Many. Ways.
