April 7, 2011
Like a swing
Sometimes I feel alright enough, that I can accept the things that happen and even be optimistic or philosophical about it. After all, circumstances can always be worse than they are. And I have a support system of friends and family that I can just reach out to. I am grateful my loved ones are well and happy. Those days are good days.
Then it could be just something someone says, or some bad memory or pent-up sentiment bubbling up, set off by something random and small. And suddenly one thought snowballs to another and I start to entertain thoughts about what it’s like to give up, to just take the easy way out. Disappear. Die. Whatever. Maybe it’ll just be easier on everyone else too, even to those who’d notice.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Just kind of wallowing a bit. For the record, I hate people who threaten suicide and emotionally blackmail people around them. Bullshit selfish attention seekers.
I’m just expressing what an uphill climb it has been to finally be in a place where I can be confident and have my feet on the ground. But it doesn’t take much to shake me off this plateau, and I have to climb back up.
June 23, 2010
Work ramblings
I’d think this text was some lame forwarded greeting if I didn’t know the guy who SMS-ed it:
“Passing thru life, enjoying the blessings and forgiving the mistakes, some moments that I have, always wishing for your sweet lips. 
“
The first few words already gave me a dreadful sense of foreboding of the impending assault on basic grammar and logic. Because as far as I know, he’s neither on the cusp of death nor is he some sort of outer-worldly creature eerily “passing through” mortal existence.
Okay, assuming he was in a wistfully reminiscent frame of mind…thinking back on the days of his life… enjoying his blessings… forgiving the mistakes… actually, WHOSE mistakes? Does he forgive his own mistakes or that of others (or was he referring to my mistakes, in which case I don’t know which he’s referring to, because the only mistake I’ve made that had anything to do with him, was well, him)? What do mistakes – his or others’ – have anything to do with the next part of the message?
Which is my favourite bit because not only is it cheesy in an awful my-face-is-scrunching-up-in-a-painful-cringe sort of way, it makes as much sense as a solar-powered bedside lamp. He’s essentially saying that SOMETIMES he’s ALWAYS thinking about kissing me. The universe will probably explode from the temporal paradox he just created.
And don’t get me started on that creepy smiley face of triumph that he managed to bludgeon the English language into some corny, nonsensical thing that he hopes sounds poetic.
Well, then again, poetry is baffling at times. I can’t write good ones to save my life.
—–x—–
Someone’s status on FB: The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove to you they need you in theirs.
—–x—–
June 2, 2010
Up and down, up and fucking down
Like some sort of roller coaster designed by a kid on crack jumping on a trampoline near zero gravity. Er… yeah.
Laughter gets cut short by Disbelief.
Comfort is stabbed by Bluntness wielding a sharp knife.
Happiness is pathetic, so easily smacked down by Disappointment.
It’s been so draining, especially with having to work overtime on several new proposals and projects going live. But yea what else is new? I’m reminded of the fat increment I got, for which I’m very gratified of course, but you don’t really think about money when you’re still awake at a time when the only sound you can hear is the furious typing on your keyboard.
When do you throw in the towel? Can you differentiate one sting from another; take one and measure it against some yardstick of hurt and then decide okay, enough is enough?
Or do you take it in, because hey, whoever told you life was peachy and anyway it’s not like you’re such a princess, and just keep accepting whatever shit that people throw at you and just take it in and take it in because you’re so cool like that and everyone just loves you for how cool and laid back you are.
They love you for how cool and laid back you are. They really do. You’re such a great conversationalist, you’re such a good listener, thanks for listening, I’ve never told anyone about this, I don’t know why I’m telling you so much, you’ve got such a great sense of humour.
I’ve heard these things a million times over from different faces, and for every time I graciously accept the compliment, I sometimes imagine myself choking on them.
Because it’s a double-edged sword. I daresay now there’s probably… ONE… person in this entire world right now I open up to on a semi-regular basis. I’d probably explode and implode at the same time in a squishy bloody mess if I didn’t have her.
So you take it in, and take it in, even the fact that you can’t let anything out. I could wax lyrical about how unfair life is… but I think I’m so over that tune.
I think what I’m trying to get at is that I’m starting to notice how much my feelings can be disregarded. Whether it’s being shelved aside in a conversation or talked down upon or having pointed comments made. Because people think I’m so fucking okay with everything. Passive. That’s probably why I have slight passive aggressive tendencies too, geez.
In general, I’d just say people cannot help being people… too wrapped up in themselves to look up and see the other person and actually care. But how about those who are supposed to care about you? What then?
Being somewhat of a pushover has led me down some disastrous paths. I hope I will have enough gumption not to repeat the mistake.
April 2, 2010
Can this week end already?
I’m sick of feeling like this! Why do we feel? Aren’t feelings some sort of evolutionary dead end? All our ultimate ancestors needed were… fear, anger, and maybe, I dunno, randiness. All the rest are just bullshit, right?
This week, for one of the first times, it crossed my mind that maybe I just can’t do it. I’m just not cut out to be second guessing like this, or participating in games – not when I care too much. On one hand there are no expectations, but on the other hand… why the hell not? It’s not like I’m expecting a whole lot anyway… I’m not ready for a whole lot. But I cannot control the way I feel. It’s a conundrum wrapped in a dilemma and deep fried with confusion.
Maybe I need some of those Xanax pills. I’ve been so unlike myself this entire week. It’s all been anxiety and depression and frustration, when I’m always been laid back with a ‘whatever happens happens’ kind of mentality. I’m starting to care too much, and it’s really unsettling.
And now I can’t seem to book a ticket for my trip, and in the worst case scenario I’m going to have to go really early and if that’s the case……………….
Yea, the week’s not going too well. In fact, it’s the worst week of my life bar my week in the hospital last year.
March 30, 2010
Unbearable
I’m being tested. Seriously. Everything’s pointing to a big door marked “SILENCE, AMUSING TEST ABOUT TO COMMENCE”, and I’m the only one sitting inside.
My opportunity to go forth with my team and take ad agencies by storm and show those pretentious stiffs what we digital people do on a regular basis could not happen at a more perfect time. Ditto with getting the chance to impress global creative directors and clinch a global client and work with global teams. It couldn’t be like, say, one month ago, when I was neck deep in work. Or say, after April, after I’ve tanned myself silly on my holiday. No, of course not… destiny doesn’t work that way. Are you kidding? That’s no fun at all. It has to choose the most opportune moment, the exact spot along the timeline balanced juuuust right after when you’d welcome the break and juuuust before you’d absolutely loathe the idea of being anywhere else.
Where, you ask? Where might you want to be instead of in the cleanest metropolitan city in Southeast Asia staying at one of the swankiest hotels along their only and most famous shopping boulevard masterminding your global game-changing work for a gazillion dollar project?
Oh I don’t know… say HOME? Or at an art exhibition? At which awesome little pieces of varnished art will be put together to form a sublime whole and suddenly the universe will have meaning? Where I’ll be able to expel the breath I’ve been holding all this while because I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS?
The blanket silence isn’t helping either. For all I know, it could be a piece expressing how chemistry is passe and misleading. Interlocking mechanisms could be a metaphor for tangled webs and confusion. Or a defensive structure. Thing is, I may never see it for myself to judge because of my wonderful work trip.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m grateful for the chance to go… I know my creative head has always been supportive and opening these doors for me because we work well together.
BUT IT COULDN’T HAVE COME AT A FUCKING BETTER TIME.
March 18, 2010
Why why why why why
Why do I keep putting so much of myself out there, when people might just look upon it like some form of entertainment or use it against me to take advantage or turn it into their benefit? Time and time again, I open up like a wound, bleed myself out, then get smacked down because life’s like that.
But you know what, I persevere nonetheless and believe in the best in people and have hope and optimism that everything will turn out for the better. If that’s a naive way of living life then so be it – it’s mine to live.
February 24, 2010
My first ‘big’ accident
Of all people, with the wife of a Colonel of the Royal Air Force. Lol!
Ok this happened before Chinese New Year so I still consider this incident a spillover freak happening from the previous year… in no way does it indicate the sort of luck I’ll be having this year!
Well it was ‘big’ accident in a sense that before this I’d only had minor bumps or scratches. This one was a dumb full-on kiss-the-other-car’s-ass type of hit.
It was a Friday night and I was all happening and shit… wanted to go join my colleagues for drinks at a new joint. So I was on the highway and was preparing to exit… looked at the rearview, and all I could see was a steam of headlights. There were many cars on the road that night, and they all just kind of blended into points of lights…. it certainly did not help my astigmatism too. So I took my time switching lanes, but at one point, I decided to completely turn around instead of using the mirror because the light contrasts really made it difficult to gauge distances…. and BAM I hit the car in front.
The first thing I thought was… “Is my camera ok?”. Once that was checked, my mental dialogue switched to “ohshitohshitohshit” when it finally sunk I was in an accident. Ironically, just a few hundred metres back, I had been cussing and smirking at a pair of cars who’d stopped the same way post-accident.
I opened my door, which creaked alarmingly and because of the crumple in the bonnet, it opened quite stiffly. The car in front had two elderly ladies, one was which came out to check her damage. Cars were honking and cussing at us. We decided to go to the nearest police station. She took my license as a ‘guarantee’ I wouldn’t run away. Sigh, if I’d wanted to do that I wouldn’t have stopped.
Mid-way to the station, I realized my license was serrrriously expired. It took me 10 minutes to honk and hail them down and tell them we couldn’t go to the station because I doubt I can afford the amount of BRIBE it would cost to get me out of that one! Under normal circumstances already you’d be at their mercy to get the report for the insurance claims.
So.
The lady tells me why not go to her house, as her husband is home and we could talk about it there. Her house was ‘very near’, apparently. But after 15 minutes of driving into an extremely unfamiliar area that got progressively darker and then right into the Royal Air Force Base, I was like… hold up, aunties. I hailed them down again to ask where the heck they were taking me. In the midst of all this driving and talking and stopping by the roads, I was getting calls from concerned friends and my mom… and they were against my following them home… but I figured… what are the chances in the whole world and existence of the universe, that I would randomly hit two old ladies who were the Chinese equivalent of mafia godmothers out to lure me to the Royal Air Force Base to smuggle me into the storage compartment for a slave trade plane bound to Thailand?
But I stopped anyway, in case the chances of that were a little higher than I thought. They assured me that their place was nearby and that they lived there because their husbands were colonels. Great, lol. Then I hopped into my poor car and realized I couldn’t start it. Even my phone battery was running out. Apologetically, I had to ask them to wait a little while, as it didn’t seem like a battery problem and was probably just a post-trauma thing. Heh. Well it started up 10 mins later.
The house was decent, clean, slightly cluttered and nothing like the dingy den of an underground triad. The Colonel was home, relaxing from his week of bossing people around in the Kedah Royal Air Force Base where apparently he’s the head honcho. Nice guy. Let me charge my phone with his charger. My friend arrived and helped me settle the issue. We paid them some cash in advance and I told them to text me the final amount so I could bank it in.
RM700 for their car, and RM350 for mine. SIGH.
August 26, 2009
The appendix is not as useless as we thought?
Great. NOW they report this article – The Appendix: Useful and In Fact, Promising – just months after they took mine out. ><
May 6, 2009
People will disappoint
God knows I’ve done my fair share of disappointing people – boyfriends, friends, family, whoever – and it doesn’t feel good to let people down, but it really really sucks when the reverse happens.
Maybe I spoke too soon about looking forward to Monday because while MonDAY was sort of ok with too much work to really dwell on the bad weekend, MonNIGHT took a turn for the worse, very unexpectedly, just like how today is taking a turn for the worse.
The movie cheered me up somewhat, but my mood turned black as the sky when I was back home.
In these few days, the people who know me best and whom I care about the most simultaneously decided in their heads that it was a good time to give one back to me.
It’s beautiful how harmoniously the universe works. I mean, it just wouldn’t do for them, for Circumstances, to stagger their blows. No, obviously the world doesn’t spin that way. As it should be, the punches were delivered at the same time with very generous helping of force, like a big cosmic knuckle sandwich.
Alright, you get the breath knocked out of you, but you gotta roll with it right? Get up, suck it up and move on with life.
That’d be easy if I didn’t intermittently get angry and upset throughout the day.
For whatever my faults are (and I know there are plenty), I am there for each and every one of those I care about. I might be late, I might not be able to find the right words, or do the right thing even, whatever, but I will get there and be there in whatever way I can. I will stick up for you when others criticize (the need for this is more often than one might think), I will justify your actions even if you don’t deserve it and I will defend you whether you’re right or wrong. It may sound like blind loyalty, but that’s my promise to the few people I give a damn about. If I’ve failed anyone in doing this, it is not my intention.
Knowing what I’m willing to do and have done makes it incredibly frustrating on top of feeling abandoned.
Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I’ve had to rush a big presentation for these past two days. Only had time to brood in between delivering stuff and meetings.
Tired of dark thoughts for the past couple of days. You know, either I’m worth it or I’m not. If I’m not, don’t waste my time and yours.
May 4, 2009
Shitty weekend
On the shit scale of 1-10, with 1 being on par with the time I had to be admitted for dengue fever, this weekend scores around 1.5 – and only because I could take a bath anytime I wanted to. Many instances were similar – like it was hot all the time, my mood swung back and forth between bad and crap, and it was an opportunity to reassess the people/things in my life.
It started out with a night of crappy clubbing, continued with the crappy breakdown of my crappy car, was peppered with people who (if they had not made it worse) brought nothing to my generally dismal weekend, and is now ending with a crappy blog entry.
Basically it was full of shit and I’m glad it’s over. For once, I’m glad to go back to work on Monday.
