08.26.09
The appendix is not as useless as we thought?
Great. NOW they report this article – The Appendix: Useful and In Fact, Promising – just months after they took mine out. ><
05.06.09
People will disappoint
God knows I’ve done my fair share of disappointing people – boyfriends, friends, family, whoever – and it doesn’t feel good to let people down, but it really really sucks when the reverse happens.
Maybe I spoke too soon about looking forward to Monday because while MonDAY was sort of ok with too much work to really dwell on the bad weekend, MonNIGHT took a turn for the worse, very unexpectedly, just like how today is taking a turn for the worse.
The movie cheered me up somewhat, but my mood turned black as the sky when I was back home.
In these few days, the people who know me best and whom I care about the most simultaneously decided in their heads that it was a good time to give one back to me.
It’s beautiful how harmoniously the universe works. I mean, it just wouldn’t do for them, for Circumstances, to stagger their blows. No, obviously the world doesn’t spin that way. As it should be, the punches were delivered at the same time with very generous helping of force, like a big cosmic knuckle sandwich.
Alright, you get the breath knocked out of you, but you gotta roll with it right? Get up, suck it up and move on with life.
That’d be easy if I didn’t intermittently get angry and upset throughout the day.
For whatever my faults are (and I know there are plenty), I am there for each and every one of those I care about. I might be late, I might not be able to find the right words, or do the right thing even, whatever, but I will get there and be there in whatever way I can. I will stick up for you when others criticize (the need for this is more often than one might think), I will justify your actions even if you don’t deserve it and I will defend you whether you’re right or wrong. It may sound like blind loyalty, but that’s my promise to the few people I give a damn about. If I’ve failed anyone in doing this, it is not my intention.
Knowing what I’m willing to do and have done makes it incredibly frustrating on top of feeling abandoned.
Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I’ve had to rush a big presentation for these past two days. Only had time to brood in between delivering stuff and meetings.
Tired of dark thoughts for the past couple of days. You know, either I’m worth it or I’m not. If I’m not, don’t waste my time and yours.
05.04.09
Shitty weekend
On the shit scale of 1-10, with 1 being on par with the time I had to be admitted for dengue fever, this weekend scores around 1.5 – and only because I could take a bath anytime I wanted to. Many instances were similar – like it was hot all the time, my mood swung back and forth between bad and crap, and it was an opportunity to reassess the people/things in my life.
It started out with a night of crappy clubbing, continued with the crappy breakdown of my crappy car, was peppered with people who (if they had not made it worse) brought nothing to my generally dismal weekend, and is now ending with a crappy blog entry.
Basically it was full of shit and I’m glad it’s over. For once, I’m glad to go back to work on Monday.
04.11.09
Misunderstood
This morning, one question I asked my dad set him off on a tirade against me. He ranted and raved at my perceived insolence/ingratitude and threatened to get out of the car. Tempted as I was to let him, I had to quell the burning anger inside and try to speak calmly. I didn’t quite succeed but my retorts might’ve been a tad more restrained than I originally intended. I was furious and indignant at constantly being talked down to in the past 2 days or so, being put under pressure for something he delayed and finally, for having my question misinterpreted. All I asked was: SO YOU’RE TAKING THE CAR?
Wtf, wtf.
And then at night, I was lashed out at for not picking up the phone. Was accused of purposely not picking it up, which 1) begs the question why I would do that, 2) implies I was avoiding the call hence implying I’m up to something 3) does not make sense considering I had sent a message not too long before that. The reason is simple: I could not hear the phone above the noise of the dinner crowd at peak hour in the mall.
I’m kind of fed up of today. The only thing that might have redeemed it was watching the band again. Vijay David and Albert Sirimal once again took my mind, heart and soul to a very pleasant place. They rock.
02.26.09
5 minute rant
Say your job is to make lemonade. Your customer says she wants it kurang manis. So you pluck the lemons from the tree in your garden, peel the lemons, squeeze the lemons, add the sugar but not too much because she wants it kurang manis. Then you give it to your waitress to serve it to her. Then she tells your waitress, “There is not enough plum inside this.”
Some clients are fantastic. They can sit at briefings or presentations, approve everything including creative direction, and then later, turn around and ask why there’s no plum in the lemonade. Makes you wonder if their bodies were at the meetings, which parallel universe were their brains residing?
Boiling pissed
When I get mad, the anger sort of radiates to include every other thing that makes me mad… like say, smokers, ex-boyfriends, inconsiderate people, etc.
I’m pissed off like you wouldn’t believe right now, and as a result of that, I’m mad at everything and everyone else. I could hardly entertain a friend who happened to call up just now, so I said, with false patience, that I couldn’t talk right now. Because if I have to say anything, it would be to rant about what’s making me so increasingly annoyed every second that passes.
This is compounding the headache I’ve been having as a result of a very hot and humid day.
01.16.09
Exhausted
Physically, mentally and emotionally… due to work, work and some really pointless fights with her over the past week or so that culminated in something not unlike an explosion today.
Maybe it’s what she said, or maybe it’s a combination of my reaction and what she said and my interpretation of it. The thing is, 90% of our fights happen as a result of our chats online so I think sometimes a lot of things get lost in translation over the line.
But today’s conversation was really uncalled for. She really crossed the line bringing my bestie into it. If you want to make it a point to tell me you’re moving on fine and you’ve got all these wonderful plans for the future, fine, it’s all well and good for you. Do what you have to do. In fact, I’ll even quietly let it go that you’re making such a POINT about it.
But the moment you try to wield my best friend like a weapon to hit me with is when you see explosions.
Bad enough I have to share some of my friends with her. It’d have all been fine if we were on good terms… but the sad fact is, we’ve got too much baggage between us right now. Again I question the effort to maintain the friendship.
Sometimes friendship is not the solution to making life happier/easier. This is the first time I’ve experienced this for myself. Because I’ve always made it a point to stay friends with exes. Why do I bother? Because as exes, we started out as friends, and then we’ve shared experiences and good feelings, we’ve cared for each other – it seems a shame to let it go down the drain. After all.. just because it did not work out romantically doesn’t mean it won’t work out platonically. Right?
But this particular ‘friendship’ has been very very trying. Well, we’ll see what happens.
I was drained after blowing up at her. She had apologized and said she didn’t mean it the way I thought she did. I don’t know… that’s what she always says in the end so I don’t know. Don’t think she’d admit otherwise. I was just already exhausted from a serious lack of sleep due to some last minute job the night before. So… I couldn’t be bothered to pursue the subject.
The whole thing was very upsetting though.
I got off work at a reasonable hour only to suddenly remember I had to collect my return trip ticket from Singapore. So there was a mild Amazing Race-like mission to get to the coach office before 9pm. Sigh. There went my relaxing night I was envisioning.
Not that I could have had one anyway. I blame the exhaustion for my crankiness. I’m going to sleep now. Zzzzz…….
11.04.08
Facebook bug?!
This is weird. Maybe some leet programmer can help me out with this.
Okay. Dee and I are friends* with Nicole.
Nicole has a friend called Monica.
Dee and I are not friends with Monica.
Dee can see Monica on Nicole’s list of friends.
But I cannot! I can’t search for Monica either, but Dee can.
How is this possible?!
*”Friend” refers to someone we have added to our list of friends.
10.20.08
Devoid of emotion?
Not this guy!
When I’m really tired after a long day, the walls of some metaphysical dam inside me tends to weaken and this flood of negative emotions pours out. I start feeling feeling helpless and weepy and alllll aloneee… it’s pathetic! I’ve learnt to recognize it as signs of fatigue, though, so I just take a deep breath and try to get some rest. Get some strength back to rebuild the walls.
Sometimes though, I wallow in it, relishing every tortured second. I think about life, about fate, about God, about circumstances… tell myself that the African kids have it worse… try a little Pearl Jam therapy…
Someone said that I was DEVOID OF EMOTION in the things I said. Ok I admit I’m a bit guarded in volunteering information about myself, and I have this bad habit of keeping things open and vague, but surely one cannot expect me to pour my hopes and dreams and heart out to just anybody, right?
Or anyone, for that matter. People have their own problems and worries for the day… who’s interested in hearing about someone else’s feelings anyway? The next time your friend or colleague asks how you are, see if they’re really interested in hearing about your day at the gym or crimping disaster at the salon. Chances are, they’re asking you how you are just so you can ask them back and they can rant about their day. *shrug*
If someone cares enough… I just don’t see the necessity in burdening that person with your emotional baggage.
Oh, EVERYONE has some sort of emotional baggage or other. It’s just a matter of how much you want to play it up or down or how open you are about it.
I just find that as we grow older, people just get more and more wrapped up with themselves. They socialize for their own gains, flash fake little smiles and think that the world owes them something. Am I the only person who thinks so? Why in the world would I tell someone how I felt just for it to be used against me or to be taken advantage of?
OK I realize this probably sounds like some teenage angst type of rant, a bitter trust-no-one monologue…………… but it’s true!
Coming back to being devoid of emotion; I’ve told myself I would never, never, never put myself again in a position where I was not in control. Or where I was at the mercy of the whims and fancies of some loser because I lost my freaking mind. The more you divulge, the more weapons people have against you. Simple as that.
Devoid of emotions indeed… ha! Try ’having a shred of common sense’.
Besides. Anger is an emotion. I’m hardly lacking in that department.
