November 29, 2010
December’s coming
It’s my favourite month! My birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, random festivities… what’s there not to love about December. It’s a little early to do my year-end wrap up, but I have been having recurring thoughts about this year which I’d like to put down in case I forget.
Firstly – chemistry is rare, but so are decent, strong core values or philosophies or world views or approaches to life, whatever you want to call it. Chemistry has been put on such a pedestal, everything else takes a back seat. “Oh I have great chemistry with him/her” – so fucking what? Do they believe in love? In anything? What are their ideals? Are they willing to fight for you when the cards are laid out? Or are they the first to abandon ship? Chemistry is passe. And it’s entirely possible that you could mistake your own gregarious nature for chemistry. So just the fact that you can get along with somebody isn’t entirely reliable. It could be because you’re just a damn nice person.
So don’t put your eggs in the basket of chemistry. The eggs will be flung right back at you and you’ll be just there dripping with egg looking and feeling like a downright idiot for having bought any of the eggs in the first place.
If I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder it’s because it has hurt like nothing else has for a big part of this year. But you know what? I’m as tired of it as anybody would be after they’ve stewed in a pot of pain and self doubt and insecurity and low self esteem for as long as they have. There IS a reason why I reflect at the end of every year, which is to really to trim the weeds and plain hack off rotting limbs.
I will do whatever it takes to be happy and to make my time on Earth meaningful and did I say, be happy. HAPPY. If it means I have to sacrifice certain things for myself, then so be it. And to that end, I’m grateful to my friends – the usual suspects, you guys know who you are – for sticking by me no matter how tiresome it got, or how my heart wasn’t in anything else.
But I don’t want to appear to place so much significance on something which was just one part of so many other things going on my life.
My career reached another level this year, with an unexpected and fairly big raise, swankkky hotel stays in Singapore and being part of the teams that have won big local and regional pitches. I had chances to work with and get my writing reviewed with creative directors from India, New York, England and South Africa – which were invaluable experiences and gave me a newfound sense of confidence about my writing. I’ve led around 3 small pitch teams this year, which is no great shakes in itself, but nevertheless forced me to assume much more responsibilities than I normally would.
Do I enjoy being thrust in a leadership role? I’d say no, because of my natural aversion to being in the direct line of fire from my superiors, but I’d say it’s gratifying to see things come together, pushed and pushed inexorably towards this state of completion that just might come close to satisfying our perfectionist boss.
My personal writing has finally gotten a long-awaited kick in its proverbial arse, with 2 workshops – one short one at the beginning of the year, and a longer, more immersive one not too long ago. And I’m finally getting out of that where-do-i-even-begin mindset and gotten out pieces firstly on an art site, then peer-critiqued in the workshop, and currently in a state of mild panic to get this 80,000 word piece out by end of the year.
One of my pieces got published in a compilation of flash fiction from the aforementioned art site.
So, it’s a start but it’s still a long way to go before I attain something I can really be proud of.
On a more sober note, this year, I’ve been compelled to put more emphasis on my health – sleeping early, eating regularly, easing up on the partying. PPH has loomed larger than usual, for many reasons. One being the costs of my medication. Two, having it to affect me more than I care to admit. Three, it actually being at the forefront of recent dramas. On and off this year, I’ve felt very afraid for myself, and guilty for the worry my family has for me… but here’s where I’ve discovered that God has come to provide in so many ways. In my blackest hours, there was always a way out, or an abiding sense of comfort and peace.
Sometimes you have to just let things be. And stop struggling for what you think you want out of life. Doesn’t it say somewhere that God laughs at our plans?
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been so tense this year and my mind’s so wrapped up in certain issues that I’ve neglected to just take a step back, get a bird’s eye view on things and just be more receptive to the positive things going on. I know I must sound a lot heavier than I did last year, but that’s just going to change. I will regain my optimism and start really feeling good again. That’s what I want next year, just a very small and humble aim.
Oh yes, and make more money. That always helps.
Next year, I also think there might be some big changes regarding my family’s living arrangements. I’m not sure what the verdict is going to be, but whatever it is, the priority must be that my parents must be happy. They’re retired and should spend their golden years in whatever way makes them happy. Happy. Can’t we all just be happy? We should. What the heck do we live for if not to be just that?
Regained a little faith, found a little comfort
A random chat with an ex-colleague. Decent guy, has a wonderful family, and runs a successful small agency. I’ve always respected him but I think this conversation really increased my regard for him by so much more. And that’s probably an indication of how much faith I’ve lost in people, because there was a time I assumed these beliefs were a given.
Me: ask u a hypothetical question
if u’d met her and found out sayyy, she had some disability in some way… would u still marry her?
SilverBoy says: Of course
Me: let’s say she couldnt have kids for some reason or other
SilverBoy says: Yes… I would still marry her
Me: let’s say the disability meant that her lifespan would be unpredictable (k getting morbid here but humour me hehe)
SilverBoy says: Then I’d make every minute I spend with her count.
June 23, 2010
Work ramblings
I’d think this text was some lame forwarded greeting if I didn’t know the guy who SMS-ed it:
“Passing thru life, enjoying the blessings and forgiving the mistakes, some moments that I have, always wishing for your sweet lips. 
“
The first few words already gave me a dreadful sense of foreboding of the impending assault on basic grammar and logic. Because as far as I know, he’s neither on the cusp of death nor is he some sort of outer-worldly creature eerily “passing through” mortal existence.
Okay, assuming he was in a wistfully reminiscent frame of mind…thinking back on the days of his life… enjoying his blessings… forgiving the mistakes… actually, WHOSE mistakes? Does he forgive his own mistakes or that of others (or was he referring to my mistakes, in which case I don’t know which he’s referring to, because the only mistake I’ve made that had anything to do with him, was well, him)? What do mistakes – his or others’ – have anything to do with the next part of the message?
Which is my favourite bit because not only is it cheesy in an awful my-face-is-scrunching-up-in-a-painful-cringe sort of way, it makes as much sense as a solar-powered bedside lamp. He’s essentially saying that SOMETIMES he’s ALWAYS thinking about kissing me. The universe will probably explode from the temporal paradox he just created.
And don’t get me started on that creepy smiley face of triumph that he managed to bludgeon the English language into some corny, nonsensical thing that he hopes sounds poetic.
Well, then again, poetry is baffling at times. I can’t write good ones to save my life.
—–x—–
Someone’s status on FB: The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove to you they need you in theirs.
—–x—–
June 22, 2010
Conversations that waste precious few minutes of my life
So this dude I know, an ex’s best friend, has been calling. I talked to him once and managed to avoid his other calls. The conversation went something like this:
Dude: Hey, so how have you been?
Me: blablapolitetalkblabla, so what are you doing now?
Dude: I’m running my own business. Blablablablablaidontcareblablabla.
Me: Oh… nice.
Dude: So are you seeing anybody?
Me: Er… yea, sort of.
Notice the hesitation and then the outright lie. While I fumbled with my words because I had been unprepared for such a question, I think it sounded more like I was embarrassed about it. Natural and convincing. Good for repelling guys you don’t want bugging you.
Me: How about you?
Dude: Not really, you know I like being single.
Me: Oh, ok.
Dude: So this guy you’re seeing, is it serious?
Me: Uhh…heh…er, well… just seeing how it goes.
That sounded less convincing because I think I ehm-ed and ah-ed a little too much there. Note to self: Be more prepared the next time a random dude suspiciously calls you under the pretext of ‘catching up’ despite the fact you’ve never had more than a 5 min conversation with him face to face. Even if you just dragged your ass out of bed 10 minutes ago.
Dude: Oh, so what does he do?
Me: What?
Dude: The guy you’re seeing.
Me: He’s an…architect.
WTF! Of all the gazillion professions that exists and had ever existed in the history of humankind, could I not have picked any other? I could not have said “He’s a virtualization systems manager” or “a weed farmer”, could i? Or, any one of these possible jobs I can think of in this pocket of free time I seem to have between feeling annoyed by random phone calls and being busy with the damn detergent pitch:
Software engineer, senior marketing executive, dog food tester, lawn-mowing troubleshooter, museum dust inspector, rodeo clown… ok, I’m sure I’ll be ready with a credible profession next time.
—–x—–
So Dude called AGAIN in the late afternoon, to tell me something really classy.
Dude: Hey speaking of D, if we’re going to be… talking and getting to know each other, I’d rather keep it between us.
Me: Asshole, you’re his best friend Well, I’m good friends with him, I wouldn’t hide things from him.
Dude: You know how it’s like… we’re all friends, and he will wonder why I’m calling you.
Me: (incredulous laugh) I just might wonder too why you’re calling me.
Dude: (laughing in response to my laugh) Then maybe I won’t call you then!
Me: Right. So yeah, I gotta go now.
What is wrong with some guys nowadays?!
May 10, 2010
Moved
I watch you from a distance, one foot in the hazy past, inner vision obscured by memories of smoke-filled rooms. I see you from before juxtaposed almost on top of you now and it seems like a cheap version of déjà vu; there’s the familiarity of having seen all this, but without the sensation of having been here before.
Because I haven’t. I have never sat in front of you, your fingers plucking strings of melancholy and need, without feeling like I’m cast adrift in an interminably vast ocean and the only salvation is to surrender and let your bittersweet strains carry me to an alien shore.
The shift is subtle, as if space itself rotated a few degrees and I’m seeing you from another angle. I watch, almost detached, remembering. I close my eyes for a while, as if I don’t quite trust what’s in front of me, and let the soul you put out there wash over me.
Your voice tender like a potter’s hands moulding curves; harsh to smooth the jagged edges of a broken heart. I wait for the searing sensation of being swept away but I feel soothed, for once, instead of ignited.
When I open my eyes, they connect with yours, as if you knew what I was thinking. Sometimes you read me like an open book. You flash that roguish grin my way. I wink in reply, mind still half there, half in that other place that seems like a lifetime ago.
“We’ll go for dinner soon, okay?” you say later.
I remember the hours…. several of them, through dark nights and early mornings, the conversations about nothing and everything.
“Sure, we should catch up,” I reply sincerely.
And I know you’ll make good on your promise. Because you are the same sweet, utterly incorrigible, deeply conflicted individual you have always been.
It is I who have been acutely moved.
April 3, 2010
Time to wake up?
Sometimes it feels like everything that’s happened has been just a dream and I’m waking up. Maybe I’ve just been deluded, or making things up in my head. Could it be? What is it am I expecting anyway? What I call the blanket silence was broken but… it’s seems like too many days too late, like a cup of water after crossing a desert. Again, what did I expect? I think… it’s a good thing I’m going away. I really need to just detach myself from this and go accomplish what I was destined to without all these… unnecessary distractions.
Sometimes the hope you place on others is the burden you end up carrying.
April 2, 2010
Getting a grip
Okay okay okay, it was a crazy ass day running to two government offices trying to get my passport renewed, running to settle my transportation, rushing to finish up a bunch of work stuff before I leave and also my freelance……………….but it’s all done and over with and I’m relieved. Don’t know what I’m running on…. air and adrenaline I think…
Keeping busy has taken my mind somewhat off other things. I am slightly more resigned to accept my circumstances, and at least not feeling overly helpless. There is strength to be drawn from letting things be. There is consolation. K is right… I shouldn’t turn things into a ‘situation’. All the little things that made up for this horrendous week weren’t all necessarily related to each other… was just my luck they came crashing down on me at the same time.
I think I unconsciously do have expectations, even though I think I don’t.
This week was really tough to face alone but I think I’m coming out stronger. I did some thinking too, and…. I’m going to get an explanation or I’m not. Either way, I’ll just let it be and accept what life has handed me in a tin cup the way I usually do. There are some things I can make happen and some things I can’t… for the latter, there’s no use then to rail against it.
So anyway. I’m leaving in the morning on Sunday, arriving nice and early in the calm before the 1 week storm, so I guess I better use that time to enjoy the king-sized bed in swanky hotel…
I’m okay… just need some sleep.