03.19.09
Recovery
I have been slacking and chilling at home, nursing my sore surgical incision…. which is closed up but inspires a fear that it’ll just open up and spill my guts to the floor should I so much as sneeze.
I haven’t sneezed in two weeks.
While physically I’m on the mend and feeling more and more ‘myself’, I’m harbouring fears that it’s gonna happen again. And that if it does, I’m not going to know about it until it’s too late. They said it was a ruptured ovarian cyst and tht I bled 1.5 litres of blood internally, probably due to the blood thinners I take. If it happened once, who’s to say it won’t happen again?
In the hours leading up to the surgery and after, I felt my mortality keenly. I always thought that my end would come with my PPH. But this new… thing… that had me immobilised on my bed, in pain, unable to even sit up, gave me a new perspective on the human condition. You just never know how fragile you are until you’re forced to your knees.
Did I think I would make it through the ordeal? I don’t know… my thoughts were disorganized, fragmented. There was always the pain, dulled if I lay still on my side, but knifing into my sides if I dared to move or clench my stomach. I thought about the people around me, felt bad that they had to worry about me. I wanted to tell them I would be fine. At the back of my head, I remembered someone telling me it’s not that easy for a person to die, and there was a small measure of comfort in that.
But through the haze, I remember I prayed. In a way, I was ready for whatever came. Not that I expected the worst – I knew I was strong enough, and that the surgery wasn’t an overly complicated one, and that they were taking all the precautions they could think of. When they wheeled me towards the operation theatre, I just felt relieved that something was going to be done to take away the excruciating pain.
While I think I was too weakened to be scared, the thought of going under the knife was intimidating. With false bravado I weakly waved to my loved ones before disappearing from their sight.
Inside, I was moved to the surgical table – each breath was laboured and shallow, as the slightest movement while lying down on my back brought sharp stabs of pain. But my torture didn’t last too long. Shortly after they strapped on an O2 mask and gave me a shot, I think, and then the lights and faces of the strangers around me swirled in a daze, and I was out.
I awoke, groggily, to the sounds of the surgeons above me, felt a keen soreness in my midriff, and was lifted onto a bed. I felt… relieved, and thankful. They wheeled me out, and my family and my dear djb were waiting where I left them. In my stupor, I had the presence of mind to wave again.
ICU for 3 days, and then 9 days in 2 wards. Home has never been sweeter.
Nutcracker, Li Wei, marriage and more
So I went down to Singapore over the weekend to watch The Nutcracker, which, if you are arts-impaired, is the ballet with music composed by Tchaikovsky. It was held at the Esplanade, choreographed and performed by the Singapore Dance Theatre. As usual, I have nothing to say but complimentary things about the Singapore dance scene. Having been in the NUS Dance Ensemble, I can safely say that there will not be a shortage of awesome gay dancers to take the country into infinity and beyond in this respect LOL.
En pointe!
Anyway, the performance was beautiful in terms of the gorgeous sets, the costumes and the technical/artistic standards of the choreography and dancing. It was slightly different than the version I’d watched with Pierre years ago, some bits better, some bits not as good… but close enough for me to remember what it was like watching it with him. I kinda teared up at one point thinking that he would’ve enjoyed it, either watching or working backstage, and offered a quick prayer in his memory. He is watching the best plays in front row seats where he is right now.
The rest of the trip was mostly just leisurely walking around and meeting up with old friends. There was an ex who’s getting married – yes, that one – whose wedding is next week so it wouldn’t be practical for me to go down again. We met up for breakfast, caught up with news, I handed him his gift, wished him all the happiness in the world and felt relieved my duty was done. But I am genuinely glad he found somebody. He’s outwardly the same charismatic guy I fell for, but I had gotten to know him through and through during that tumultuous 1 1/2 years, and suffice to say, I’m glad it’s over, buried and in the past.
Later on, passing a shop in Far East Plaza, I decided to get hair extensions! Yea yea, I can never decide if I like it short or long. Cropped was cool, and a lot of people liked me in that but maybe because it was different, I don’t know. Anyway, I find more security in long hair… it’s more conventional, more girly, and safe I guess. If short was a guy, he’d be the bad-ass on a bike. My creative head M says now I look like someone’s bitch lol. Maybe I am hahahaha.
I named my extensions Li Wei, since the hair is real hair from China. LOL. Wo shi chung guo ren!
Looks kinda like this, braided onto real hair. But my hair is black, so the elastic isn’t obvious.
Met up with old uni friends the next day. I’m really glad that even after we’ve all been seperated here and there for at least 5 years, we still can get together and it feels like it was just yesterday we were bumming around in each other’s rooms, talking shit, watching shit like Kung Pow, gorging on shit and just doing nothing but…shit. Good times! We’re still as crappy as ever!
Yea well, that was my weekend and the end of my one week leave.
12.15.08
They leave imprints in our skies
Was listening to Light Years by Pearl Jam, and then my friend talked about losing her mother. I thought about Pierre and started bawling. We cannot forget the people who’ve come and gone. They blaze in the sky like meteors, and when they go, we keep their light in our hearts.
—–
I’ve used hammers made out of wood
I have played games with pieces and rules
I undeciphered tricks at the bar
But now you’re gone, I haven’t figured out why
I’ve come up with riddles and jokes about war
I figured out numbers and what they’re for
I’ve understood feelings and I’ve understood words but how could you be taken away?
And wherever you’ve gone and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, today just disappeared
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars
With heavy breath awakened regrets
Back pages and days that only could have been spent together but we were miles apart
Every inch between us becomes light years now
No time to be void or save up on life
Oh, you got to spend it all
And wherever you’ve gone, and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, you seem to like it here
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars
—–
11.06.08
Every Breath You Take
It just so happened my English Lit. class were dissecting songs, and our lecturer picked this one, and I listened to it in class and it somehow just fit my situation, and got stuck in my head. It seems like it’s some romantic love song at the outset, but when you get to know the lyrics, it’s kind of not. It’s really quite a sinister, stalker-ish , dark kind of song. The ‘antagonist’ is not just hung up and in pain over his love, he wants to possess and control and know everything about her too.
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you
Oh, can’t you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I’ll be watching you
Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please
How scary it is that I related to the feeling! It’s the kind of pain you feel even smack in mid-afternoon, when you don’t even feel like crawling out of bed because you don’t want to face the world and face the realities of your sad situation. Your eyes are red and puffy, and when you realize how sad and pathetic you are and god, how much you need the other person, you feel a fresh stream running down your cheeks.
Despite the fact that he isn’t there at the time of your life when you need him the most, despite the fact that your core values are different or that he is too selfish or that you just know he isn’t the one for you… you still wake up every day wishing you didn’t. Because you’re so convinced you can change him and be the good thing in his life, and that he belongs to you and he’s meant to be with you… the depth of conviction is to me, at the core of this song.
I wanted to be back in his life so much that I lost sight of who I was and what I deserved. The fact that he just lived upstairs compounded my desperation. Looking back, I should’ve been surrounded with people who made me happy or been with someone who cared for me, instead of having to deal with my issues one mind-numbing day at a time, alone.
Well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. We were on and off, on again and off again… by the time the holidays were over, I decided to stay in KL for good. There was nothing holding me to Sg by then. I ended things between us properly, the way it should’ve been done a long time ago. I felt like I was so much bigger and so much better a person than he was.
He eventually apologized for the way he treated me; after his experience with his next girlfriend, he said he realized how he never appreciated me, and I said I forgave him… but did I really?
I think now I do, and maybe I should tell him. He would understand, because he’s big on the whole Christian forgiveness thing. But I do mean it, I’ve let it go. We can have normal, friendly, though slightly awkward conversations, and I saw him at Pierre’s memorial service. He has since also invited me to his wedding next month, which I was considering not attending to save the awkwardness. But my old hallmate said he would be happy to receive my blessing, and I guess it’s really time to bury the hatchet. Maybe it would be worth the trouble to go down.
05.25.08
Good curry mee and then some
I was brought to this place near Mont Kiara in a back alley that serves excellent curry mee.
“How’s the curry mee?”
“It’s really good, I like it.”
“So I just wanted to tell you that I’m still in love with you.”
*choke on curry*
“I have always loved you.”
Flashback to 3 years ago, to the screaming fights, the slamming of doors, the cold silences.
“So how’s the tom yum?”
Ok I didn’t exactly reply with that, but I desperately wanted to avoid the inevitable conversation. What do you say to someone whose love you cannot return? Sorry maybe next time?
I felt a pang of regret for how things had turned out, at how he must hurt. I could have a stable, comfortable life, if only I can find it within myself to settle down with somebody as decent and reliable and all those things as him. But I’d just be doing a disservice to both of us. I feel stifled easily, and he can be overbearing. He’s precise to the point of rigidity, and I prefer flexibility. I”m restless, he thrives on stability.
We tried it out, it just didn’t work.
Why can’t people just leave things be the way they are? Why must there be MORE, or a need to fix things that aren’t broken in the first place? It has been a comfortable friendship and now I may be forced to cut back on it just so I don’t inadvertently “lead him on”.
I’ve been accused of that a number of times, by a bitter guy or two. What am I supposed to do… hang up on him? Ignore him? Tell him I don’t ever want to see him again? I’m willing to take some responsibility but my accusers have been partly to blame for having false hopes and not seeing what they did not want to see.
Here are some signs that a girl is not interested / has some reason to avoid you:
1. She SAYS she will call you back
2. The only thing she initiates is saying goodbye
3. She’s nice and polite, but never divulges any personal information
4. She never replies your messages
5. She just doesn’t show any inclination that she cares about what you did or who you did it with
But I digress. I understand why D feels that he has to tell me. I guess if i were in his place, I would feel that I had nothing to lose. We’re friends, that will never change. But getting hung up over all this is holding him back from exploring other possibilities. He deserves to settle down with someone who can give him what he’s looking for.
And that’s about all I can say about this.
05.09.08
Dedicated to her and her dad
It was a gravelly sound, punctuated with the thunk of the spades as the workers shovelled earth into the grave. There was a certain air of finality to it. In a tragedy, there comes a certain point when what seemed surreal begins to take a grim shape. For me, that was it. There was something about the act of burying that seemed so inevitable.
I tried to imagine what she was feeling, aside from her grief. Like stopping the workers? Swiping at the sand that was slowly piling up? Telling everyone to please go home because I just want to spend some time alone with my father without all you people who hardly knew him anyway?
The poor girl could hardly have had any moment to herself between the time of her dad’s passing late last night, and the ceremony early this morning. Yet, in her sorrow and her strength, she looked heart-breakingly beautiful. From afar, I caught sight of her through the gaps between the leaves of plants and shrubs dotting the graveyard that seemed to frame her almost-cherubic face – and all of a sudden I taken by the notion that her dad, the photography buff, would’ve taken such a perfect shot of her.
He has taken gorgeous shots of her on their family trips. I like to think that he liked to because he thought she was like an angel.
He wasn’t just talented with aesthetics (it’s written all over their house). He was warm, charismatic, interesting, funny and all of that to all of us who knew him as the coolest dad we’d ever met. I admired how he raised his family to be open and loving and affectionate to each other and to others, just like he himself was. In all the years we’ve known him as the cool dad, he was really the loving dad who gave his kids just what they needed.
She has showed such amazing strength and endurance through the whole ordeal. I am truly, deeply sorry for your loss, from the bottom of my heart. We were so fond of him and we will miss him.
I believe that those who have left us all too early are in a better place now and that one day we will see them again. As long as we keep them in our hearts, they’ll never really be gone.
03.11.08
Condolences to Bestie and her family
Bestie’s grandma passed on in the morning of 10th March 2008. She was 101 years old, which is a grand old age to move on. And peacefully too, in her sleep. I would like to go that way – who wouldn’t eh…
My grandparents are all gone too. Sometimes I imagine they might be looking down at me from heaven, though what they’d think of me I don’t know. Probably shake their heads and lament about the lack of (insert lacking element here) in youngsters nowadays. I do sometimes miss my young days when I would come home from school and spend the afternoons downstairs with them because I didn’t like being all alone upstairs. Then the occasional 4-hour trips (before the highway was built!) to Gopeng to visit my other grandparents, which I remember were fun before I started to grow up and started seeing it more of a ‘chore’ or a ‘responsibility’ rather than something I enjoyed. That’s the unfortunate part of growing up, I guess… everything else becomes more important than what’s really important.
I’m sorry for everyone who has lost someone they knew or someone who meant a lot to them. I know it still affects them in some way, whether it happened recently or a long time ago. I totally understand that, because even the death of my one-time good friend Pierre haunts me especially when this Linkin Park song comes up on the radio, which I’m listening to right now:
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way, oh
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in gray
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way, oh
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in gray
And the sun will set for you.
When I feel really bogged down or stressed by work, relationships, or upset at life in general, I find myself thinking about him and about how he can’t ever experience the good or bad in life anymore because he’s gone. That I am lucky to still be here and to be able to persevere in the grand scheme of things. RIP Pierre, and thank you for giving me the inspiration and motivation to go on, amongst many of your other intangible gifts.
