11.11.09
I heart dinosaurs and weird little animals
They’re just so majestic and fascinating. I have a fixation for big things, stuff larger than life and in your face. Ok in view of the last post, that might’ve sounded obscene. Now there’s news that dinos could’ve been warm-blooded.
![dinosaur-printable-invitation[1]](http://puregreenjade.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/dinosaur-printable-invitation1.jpg?w=305&h=337 "dinosaur-printable-invitation[1]")
Doesn't this big guy inspire awe?
Where was Bruce Willis when the dinos needed him?
Kind of terrifying huh… imagine the chaos on Earth. If not directly wiped out by it, life would’ve been severely disrupted by big changes in climate and atmospheric content. Kind of sad when you think about it… these magnificent beasts, more massive than anything that had ever walked on Earth, killed by a cosmic rock.
Another fascinating period in prehistoric times was the Cambrian Explosion, something I remember during my Biology days. It was a period where there was a sudden rapid appearance of many bizarrely unique and new groups of funny looking little creatures… they’re awesome! They’re spectacular in and of themselves, as well as because of why they suddenly just came to be. Almost like a little divine experiment…
![Burgess1[1]](http://puregreenjade.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/burgess11.jpg?w=454&h=334 "Burgess1[1]")
Depiction of what was discovered at the Burgess Shale fossil field, which dates mid-Cambrian
Ancient civilizations and even more ancient life forms have always captured my interest and imagination. Maybe in another life I’ll be a paleontologist or a historian. Always looking into the past so we may better understand our present and future.
08.26.09
Self validation
Do you need it? From whom or what? Why do some people seek it from say, having many ‘friends’ or going out a lot or cozying up to random people they meet? “Look at me, look at me,” they scream with their 1,000,001 social networking pictures. Okayy… ask yourself, what have you achieved and what do you want to achieve? Have you gotten a step closer?
In my own industry it’s hard not to want to be validated by awards. There is merit in your work being judged for a certain standard of craft and creativity… but for it to be effective in meeting the objectives, craft and creativity can often be sacrificed. Truly great stuff measure up in all ways.
I’ve been disappointed by the lack of any recent wins and even anything much to submit in the first place, and I said as much to the in-house Donald Trump… he talked about the economy, how billable work has decreased so there’s no chance for us to do any novel stuff anyway, blabla… Oh well.
On a more personal level… I think the way I validate my place in this world is really, what have I done today to make a difference to someone/something. Did I cheer up someone with a lame joke, did I show empathy or kindness to somebody who needs it, did I discard somebody’s feelings, did I make a significant contribution in my work? It’s not at all how many people like me (and I know I’m not exactly your charming air kissing socialite) but how I treat the people/things I care about.
I think it’s only when you set a bar for yourself is when it really, really doesn’t matter what other people think of you. You self validate.
Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Assessment
I’ve recently been fascinated by this… test… that’s apparently the best known and most widely used personality assessment. Apparently they even teach it at Harvard. There’s a whole history and scientific method to this test, but to cut it short, there are 16 types – you answer a bunch of questions as honestly as you can and it’ll categorise you. Basically, each type describes one’s way of perceiving the world and making decisions.
As I was skeptical about the version I took on Facebook, I searched online and did 2 other versions. All yielded the same result: I’m type INFP – Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perceiving.
Which I at first questioned, so I googled up some definitons.
Basic description: INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics. They seek an external life that is in keeping with these values. Loyal to the people and causes important to them, INFPs can quickly spot opportunities to implement their ideals. They are curious to understand those around them, and so are accepting and flexible except when their values are threatened.
Yea yea, some of you are snickering already. Ok I may not be such an apparent introvert as the results suggest…but I think I’m a FAKE extrovert. REAL extroverts gain energy in social situations, whereas I expend it… and God knows I’d rather skip the meaningless niceties around people I hardly know and stay home and read a book or something.
But anyway, apparently these are some INFP traits, which are nice to be perceived to have:
- Creative, imaginative, artistic
- Usually talented writers
Look which greatest English writer in the world was an INFP 
- Never lose their sense of wonder, see life through rose-coloured glasses
- Mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities –> Hey! I was just writing about a tree lol
- Highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path –> Kinda never been able to reconcile the commercial nature of my job with this desire; but I rebel in small ways, like refusing tobacco accounts or a certain oil company, or trying to sneak in good causes in my ideas and craft, or write pro bono on request
- Usually good listeners who genuinely want to hear about someone’s problems, and genuinely want to help them –> This is true at least, as written before
- Should consciously be aware of their tendency to discard anything that doesn’t agree with their values, and work towards lessening this tendency –> Noted!
- May be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper --> Don’t know about ‘wonderful’ but I definitely express myself more precisely and comfortably by writing than speaking
- Do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it –> Yep, UNLESS I get irritated beyond my ability or desire to stay out of conflict, e.g. having to deal with certain people
- Become frustrated with those who dwell on trivialities
- When they want to be sociable, they can be exceedingly charming and outgoing –> Fake extrovert alert!
- Although they demonstrate a cool reserve toward others, inside they are anything but distant. They have a capacity for caring which is not always found in other types
No less than THE CAPTAIN OF THE FIRST WARP 5 ENTERPRISE NX-01! I heart Scott Bakula
- Being idealistic leaves them feeling isolated, especially since INFPs are found in only 1% of the general population
- They often have a subtle tragic motif running through their lives, but others seldom detect this inner minor key –> A drama mama?
If only all female INFPs could look like Audrey 
- INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything –> Even horrible ex boyfriends
- Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man’s Inhumanity to Mankind –> On a serious note, this one really resonates with me. I’m no Princess D… but I would like to make a difference in my time here
- Their idealism is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in
She dedicated her later years to helping many people and kids
The MOST complimentary traits however, are as below:
- Some INFPs have difficulty fitting into our society.
- Dislike dealing with details and routine work.
- Attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant
- Daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness –> Great, I’m delusional, lol
- Focus on fantasies, prone to dreaming about a rescuer
- Can feel defective, prone to lateness
- Wounded at the core
- Familiar with the dark side
- Hermit, loner
- More likely to support marijuana legalization –> The world would certainly be a lot happier! If terrorists were perpetually high on weed, there’d be a lot more burnt grass than burnt buildings
- Prone to irresponsibility
- Practicality is not a driving force for INFPs
- They may demonstrate a tendency to take deliberate liberties with logic –> This is funny… I’m irrational too^^
- The INFP questor probably has more problems in mating than any other type –> 
Anyway, go get your own MBTI assessment here.
08.08.09
Open yourself up to your own detriment
Out of the 3 times I’ve fully let someone into my heart unconditionally, trustingly and absolutely, 2 of them broke me in such a way that my reactions to love and relationships – whether personally or from a 3rd person’s perspective – have been irrevocably affected. Innocence and simplicity seems to be gone, to be replaced by convoluted emotions, second-guessing, paranoia and Plan Bs.
Plan Bs. Somehow or other I’ve always had one through many of my relationships. Whether it was someone else who was waiting, or friends to fill my time with, or new hobbies and activities… At the end of the day, I can tell myself, “It’s ok to let go. That way, I can be free to do what I want. The whole world is at my feet anyway.” To hang by a thread, to put all your eggs in a basket that has holes at the bottom… where’s the good sense in that?
I used to believe that love is enough. Pure, sweet, simple love. Untainted by emotional baggage, skewed perceptions, unreasonable demands and expectations. Third parties.
As a young girl, I’d drift off to sleep imagining romantic waltz scenes aboard cruise ships or in a grand ballroom, like how I saw during prime time movie nights, with a tall dashing man (or my crush of the day) who had eyes for no one else and held me like I was the most precious thing in all the world. We would dance in silence, having no need for words. And I, drowning in his gaze, would go outside with him where we would hold hands under the starry night and then he would pull me in for that perfect first kiss.
I was one fucking disillusioned kid.
08.04.09
A sense of time and growth
I looked up at the sky, just at the porch of my childhood house, and realized that my view was partially obscured by the leaves that fanned out from far-reaching limbs of the tree in front of the house. Surprised, my eyes traced the little branches that stemmed from the main ones, each surrounded by little regular-shaped leaves. The tree had grown so much since I was last… aware of it.
I saw that it cast a shadow over the area I was standing. At the side of this busy main road, it shot up over the years and provided shade and a little colourful respite from the bland ugliness of the concrete jungle.
I felt a kinship to this tree right then. I remember when my dad planted the whole row of angsana branches along the main road and round the corner, all shorter than I was. It grew while I grew, without my even noticing how much it did. It’s really tall and strong now.
The tree is not spared from the effects of pollution though. Though the newer shoots are still fresh and green, much of the older leaves are gnawed by brown decay. Some of the other trees have been cut down by the authorities, as they’ve either been brushing at the power lines or threatening to topple over on the house.
But this one nearest to the front gate stands, next to the frangipani tree that’s been there even before I was born. The one that sheds crunchy leaves all over the front. As a kid I remember I used to love trampling on them so they sounded like crackers crunching up under my shoes.
I felt sad, because it takes so little to plant a tree but it gives back so much more. In life and in death. They grow so magnificently. You can feel it’s age and its wisdom. And yet, all around the world, their like is being mutilated and destroyed.
Another reason why humans just suck.
05.21.09
The moment
When you take the trouble to really listen to what someone’s saying and ask the right questions, you’ll find that more often than not, they’ll want to continue talking. I think that we are usually so wrapped up in our own heads that we truly don’t take the time to listen.
And why should that be? The world’s full of interesting people with interesting stories. I like hearing about stuff, opinions, experiences, whatever. Maybe it’s because sub-consciously I know I may not live through much in a short time. Or I like living through other people as my own life seems pretty mundane in comparison.
There comes a moment in a conversation, when the other person seems comfortable – eager, even – to confide and open up completely. I revel in these moments when I feel I’ve gained the ease and trust of the person I’m talking to. It is a moment of honesty, of a soul laid bare, of walls temporarily removed, when I hold still, almost afraid to say anything or change my expression in case the spell is broken.
And then there is the inevitable “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this”. Honestly, I don’t know either. But I do know that I cherish these moments of sharing and empathy, like gifts bestowed upon me in these bleak days.
05.11.09
On the subject of morality
Me me me me me… yes, this blog is all about me. I was wondering if I’ve been too self-absorbed with my posts when I also realized this is MY blog. Lol. What am I supposed to write about… current affairs? My country’s crumbling political system? Who’s dating who or who’s wearing what? We already have newspapers and tabloids to deal with that. And if I feel any of those worthy of my comments, then I will provide some. Until then, I’m just going to bore my limited pool of readers with stuff about me. That’s why you guys rock, ‘cos you stomach all this stuff just to check out what’s going on in my increasingly mundane life. ><
Anyway. Today I feel like crapping out some thoughts on morality. It is a timeless issue that we may respond to differently at different stages in our lives. But in making a stand, no matter what your life situation is, you build your character and take a step towards the ideals you want to personify.
Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong? Some of us have religions that dictate these things, and some of us are ruled by some sense of ethics possibly shaped by societal norm and culture and whatever. Humans have empathy, so generally we conduct ourselves in a way that does not cause pain and suffering to the next person.
How far does a person take his or her moral conviction? Until it becomes an inconvenience? Until it gets in the way of self-gratification? Until something has to be sacrificed in order to do the right thing?
The people I admire most hold their ground until the end, no matter what it takes to uphold their principles.
How about morals with regards to commitment? It should be fairly straightforward – if you’re committed, then commit to being committed. If not, one betrays the other’s love and trust and hence, causes the aforementioned pain and suffering. So why do bastards and bitches do it? After all, we’re supposed to be a moral and civilised society. Can there be any justification for cheating?
I’m inclined to say no, you cannot ever justify ripping a person’s heart out of their throats. But who am I to judge? All I know is that the ideals that I would like to personify do not allow for it. If there’s a problem, fix it. If there’s another person, don’t pursue it.
I agree with what a wise young woman said, that commitment is the conscious making of decisions that honour the commitment. Politely decline the invitation for drinks, for example. Don’t reply messages, or avoid situations that could potentially tempt you. No matter how hot the antagonist is. Because some things are worth saving and keeping and treasuring.
And on a biological perspective, people commit to increase their chances of conceiving and then their chances of raising an offspring to maturity. So commitment is a GOOD thing. Lol.
Just some food for thought before we all start a fresh week in our moral lives.
03.19.09
Recovery
I have been slacking and chilling at home, nursing my sore surgical incision…. which is closed up but inspires a fear that it’ll just open up and spill my guts to the floor should I so much as sneeze.
I haven’t sneezed in two weeks.
While physically I’m on the mend and feeling more and more ‘myself’, I’m harbouring fears that it’s gonna happen again. And that if it does, I’m not going to know about it until it’s too late. They said it was a ruptured ovarian cyst and tht I bled 1.5 litres of blood internally, probably due to the blood thinners I take. If it happened once, who’s to say it won’t happen again?
In the hours leading up to the surgery and after, I felt my mortality keenly. I always thought that my end would come with my PPH. But this new… thing… that had me immobilised on my bed, in pain, unable to even sit up, gave me a new perspective on the human condition. You just never know how fragile you are until you’re forced to your knees.
Did I think I would make it through the ordeal? I don’t know… my thoughts were disorganized, fragmented. There was always the pain, dulled if I lay still on my side, but knifing into my sides if I dared to move or clench my stomach. I thought about the people around me, felt bad that they had to worry about me. I wanted to tell them I would be fine. At the back of my head, I remembered someone telling me it’s not that easy for a person to die, and there was a small measure of comfort in that.
But through the haze, I remember I prayed. In a way, I was ready for whatever came. Not that I expected the worst – I knew I was strong enough, and that the surgery wasn’t an overly complicated one, and that they were taking all the precautions they could think of. When they wheeled me towards the operation theatre, I just felt relieved that something was going to be done to take away the excruciating pain.
While I think I was too weakened to be scared, the thought of going under the knife was intimidating. With false bravado I weakly waved to my loved ones before disappearing from their sight.
Inside, I was moved to the surgical table – each breath was laboured and shallow, as the slightest movement while lying down on my back brought sharp stabs of pain. But my torture didn’t last too long. Shortly after they strapped on an O2 mask and gave me a shot, I think, and then the lights and faces of the strangers around me swirled in a daze, and I was out.
I awoke, groggily, to the sounds of the surgeons above me, felt a keen soreness in my midriff, and was lifted onto a bed. I felt… relieved, and thankful. They wheeled me out, and my family and my dear djb were waiting where I left them. In my stupor, I had the presence of mind to wave again.
ICU for 3 days, and then 9 days in 2 wards. Home has never been sweeter.
01.30.09
Judgement on the world
Thoughts inspired by Anne Rice’s Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt
I finished the book just as the sun fell and put it away to stare outside the window of the bus. There was nothing much to look at except a remarkably big star – or could it be one of the planets? – shining starkly against the night.
As I wondered at it, I also wondered what happened to the sense of wonder that pervaded by younger days. I used to study my equatorial star chart and try to spot the constellations, dreaming that there were worlds not unlike ours or perhaps very different from ours, circling those orbs that were so unimaginably far away.
Even on a terresterial level, there is much to marvel at. Someone once told me and wrote in her book that it is certainly not a small world. It is big. Technology has somehow fooled us into thinking that everything and everyone is so much closer. Singapore, for all the emails and mobile texts you can send instantly, still takes 5 hours to reach in a steady bus.
And the time we have here is just a minuscule fraction in the grand scale of things. Why do we waste it by fighting and polluting and making life ugly? It’s not just the warlords in some backwater 5th world country, or big corporations out to maximize profits – it’s also us right here in our daily lives. We contribute to a gray existence that’s generally dull and mean and lacklustre.
For all the technology in the world to make some good in this world, so much of it goes to making the exact opposite.
That’s just gotta change.
I tried to wrap my mind around the vast distance between my bus and the stars. If a highly advanced civilization were to observe us, what would they think? What would they see in our future? Dirty, nasty creatures, these humans. They have so much potential – as evident in their arts and aesthetics, their music, their sacrifices, ideals and principles – but they waste it in their greed.
The world’s big, but wherever we live - be it Norway or Namibia – we have fundamental commonalities. Our need to to have enough food and water, for one, to love, to provide for our families, to be happy. Doesn’t that lay some sort of groundwork for peace on earth? Apparently not. Nowadays, one party’s happiness seems directly proportionate to the other’s misery. That’s just how screwed up the state of affairs in the world has been.
What do I know? I’m just a little person in a little corner of the world, taking up this little space wherever I go. But I do know this: one day the world will have a reckoning, and we will have to pay for our actions.
Aside from dreamily thinking about these things, the bus ride was pretty uneventful.
01.14.09
I hate hospitals
I was at the University Hospital yesterday waiting like a donkey to see the doctor to get a prescription renewed, and after 4 hours of sitting around I didn’t even get to see him because he was called away for an emergency.
It wasn’t as bad for me as for the elderly lady also waiting for him, who was sick and really needed to see him. To have been waiting there meant that her caretakers had to crawl their way from the main road through the crowded grounds to the parking lot and fight for a spot, take a hike through the convoluted twists and turns of corridors while wheeling the old lady, take a cue number amongst a score of patients who were waiting to go into any one of 20 rooms (or so) in the clinic, wait for their turn to be processed into the crappy system, then get another cue number to wait for the doctor.
Besides all the waiting and inefficiencies, I hate going to the place because I am confronted with this fear that one day I’ll end up there. Instead of some spanking clean sparkly hospital like in Singapore, I have this phobia that if an emergency occurs I’ll just land myself there… where nobody gives a shit about you, not the half past six nurses or the locally-trained doctors, and they’ll stick stuff on and inside you without knowing what they’re doing or looking out for. I’m afraid they’ll cut me open and then not stitch me back properly. Or drop a handful of gauze into my intestines (true story).
The place just doesn’t inspire my confidence. I’m not necessarily prejudiced against government institutions but I’ve heard enough horror stories from this hospital. I myself stayed there for almost a week when I ended up with dengue back in end 2006. It was a horrible experience I would never want to repeat. It started out with waiting (as usual) almost the whole day with a persistent fever just to be checked in finally about 8 or 9 hours later and then being pricked about ten times because the noob houseman couldn’t find my veins.
Anyway, I hate hospitals in general. Being surrounded by sick people all over the place and knowing you yourself have a reason to be there is kind of depressing. And I hate the thought of germs. Sick people have germs. So I just sort of make myself really small and hope I don’t attract germs. Urgh.
The only ‘good’ thing that comes out of going to a depressing place is… I’m reminded about the things that are important. All the stupid little insecurities and petty problems and doubts and worries… they kind of fly away in the face of serious concerns. I mean… we always take our health for granted, and the health of the people we care about. When in fact we should be grateful every day that we are alive and well and blessed.
Ok, I just had to rant about my sucky hospital trip.
