Okay, here’s where you need to pay attention. Please!

Especially if you:
- Have never kissed before (in which case, isn’t it past your bedtime?)
- Have had one (or perhaps more) kissing partner(s) who never said you were bad, but NEVER SPECIFICALLY SAID YOU WERE GOOD. I SWEAR YOU NEED TO READ THIS. 
- Are going to kiss someone new for the first time.

Or if you just want to be entertained, here goes…

 1. Please start with a clean slate – literally! That means good hygiene, no funky smells from wherever funky smells come from,  and most importantly – fresh breath! Cheat by using mints.

2. Please be at least 85% sure that it’s ’the right time’. If your target’s a guy, chances are any time is the right time, ha-ha. But if she’s a she… a measure of intuition, good judgement and assessment of the situation is essential. If you want to ASK, you ought to be aware that the question is almost always rhetorical. Only do so with the 85% assurance and only when you’re ready to initiate, because there’s nothing more awkward than “May I kiss you?” and actually waiting for her to stammer yes or worse, NO.

3. When I say “initiate”, I do not mean swooping in and taking your poor partner’s lips hostage. I mean the 90/10% rule. You’ve seen Hitch, you’ve heard a similar rule from him. Let me tell you, it’s TRUE. I’ve seen this tactic in action long before I watched the show. Basically this is what it is: You’re drawing closer, and closer, past your partner’s personal space, you maintain eye contact, tilt your head (nose mushing is extremely off-putting), g…o……e…v…e…n……c…l…o…s…e…r, drop your eyes to partner’s lips (so nobody has to see the other’s eyes cross) – and stop. Just freakin’ stop at 90% of the way. I call this The Hover. LET YOUR PARTNER COME THE REST OF THE WAY. This way, your partner is committed and you won’t look or feel like the desperate goon who wants to get into his/her/its pants.

4 . Gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle. Repeat this to yourself like your sex life depends on it, because it probably does. When your partner takes the trouble to come 10% to meet you, reward this deserving person with GENTLE. Not with a lip-chomping, teeth-gnashing, tongue-beating session that nobody should ever have to experience. Not to place too much an emphasis on this, but GUYS, not so much girls (trust me on this), may need to chant this mantra a little longer.

5. Eyes are either closed or semi-closed. There’s nothing more disconcerting than having someone stare at you from this | | far apart. 

6. Absolutely no groping! Hands at a decent position which could range from his/her face, shoulders, waist, one lightly behind the head, or a combination of any of these decent places. If this is too High School Musical for you, please adjourn to www.thehustlerdiaries.blogspot.com.

7. There are a variety of kissing styles, but this *ahem* is a classic one I tend to favour. I’ll call it The Sandwich, because that’s what it is. Your partner’s top or bottom lip ends up between yours, and vice versa. Here is the beginning of a long, continuous kiss which, hopefully, will not be a traumatic experience for your partner. And it will be if you immediately shove your tongue down his/her throat. Absolutely no hint of tongue until no.10!

 8. This is make or break: Establishing a rythmn. Let your lips do the caressing, slowly and what’s the word? Gently. Read your partner’s body language and let him/her participate in the kiss. LET HIM/HER PARTICIPATE IN THE KISS. How? You give and you take, you kiss and be kissed. Read responses and respond accordingly. Look out for signs of enjoyment (or lack of). You do not grab the baton and do the 400m dash. It’s a relay race. The worst kisses are those which are out of sync. And….

9. Slobbery. To avoid this, try swallowing before no.2 and no.3, and anytime you need to. Just… have a bit of self awareness throughout the whole thing. Please?

10. If done right, you should never have your lips pursed or closed completely at any point. Keep ‘em parted and flexible, should any changes in rythmn occur – such as when some tongue action seems to be in order! To test – as you’re kissing, let your tongue slide over the bottom of your partner’s lips. To test further – gently let your tongue probe your partner’s. Do these a few times to ascertain if he/she is ok with it. Now you can let your tongue caress his/hers, linger inside for longer, make slow and sensuous sweeps of your tongue across his/hers, and alternate these between the kissing you’ve already established at no.8.

So that’s my Kissing 101! Just some basic and ESSENTIAL things some people need to know. There’s no one-style-fits-all because everyone’s different – everyone is a new learning curve, and isn’t that the most enjoyable part of kissing? And trust me, you don’t want to be a bad kisser. Bad kissers = bad in bed. Because if you don’t know how to work it up here, you probably won’t know how to work it anywhere else!