November 29, 2010
December’s coming
It’s my favourite month! My birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, random festivities… what’s there not to love about December. It’s a little early to do my year-end wrap up, but I have been having recurring thoughts about this year which I’d like to put down in case I forget.
Firstly – chemistry is rare, but so are decent, strong core values or philosophies or world views or approaches to life, whatever you want to call it. Chemistry has been put on such a pedestal, everything else takes a back seat. “Oh I have great chemistry with him/her” – so fucking what? Do they believe in love? In anything? What are their ideals? Are they willing to fight for you when the cards are laid out? Or are they the first to abandon ship? Chemistry is passe. And it’s entirely possible that you could mistake your own gregarious nature for chemistry. So just the fact that you can get along with somebody isn’t entirely reliable. It could be because you’re just a damn nice person.
So don’t put your eggs in the basket of chemistry. The eggs will be flung right back at you and you’ll be just there dripping with egg looking and feeling like a downright idiot for having bought any of the eggs in the first place.
If I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder it’s because it has hurt like nothing else has for a big part of this year. But you know what? I’m as tired of it as anybody would be after they’ve stewed in a pot of pain and self doubt and insecurity and low self esteem for as long as they have. There IS a reason why I reflect at the end of every year, which is to really to trim the weeds and plain hack off rotting limbs.
I will do whatever it takes to be happy and to make my time on Earth meaningful and did I say, be happy. HAPPY. If it means I have to sacrifice certain things for myself, then so be it. And to that end, I’m grateful to my friends – the usual suspects, you guys know who you are – for sticking by me no matter how tiresome it got, or how my heart wasn’t in anything else.
But I don’t want to appear to place so much significance on something which was just one part of so many other things going on my life.
My career reached another level this year, with an unexpected and fairly big raise, swankkky hotel stays in Singapore and being part of the teams that have won big local and regional pitches. I had chances to work with and get my writing reviewed with creative directors from India, New York, England and South Africa – which were invaluable experiences and gave me a newfound sense of confidence about my writing. I’ve led around 3 small pitch teams this year, which is no great shakes in itself, but nevertheless forced me to assume much more responsibilities than I normally would.
Do I enjoy being thrust in a leadership role? I’d say no, because of my natural aversion to being in the direct line of fire from my superiors, but I’d say it’s gratifying to see things come together, pushed and pushed inexorably towards this state of completion that just might come close to satisfying our perfectionist boss.
My personal writing has finally gotten a long-awaited kick in its proverbial arse, with 2 workshops – one short one at the beginning of the year, and a longer, more immersive one not too long ago. And I’m finally getting out of that where-do-i-even-begin mindset and gotten out pieces firstly on an art site, then peer-critiqued in the workshop, and currently in a state of mild panic to get this 80,000 word piece out by end of the year.
One of my pieces got published in a compilation of flash fiction from the aforementioned art site.
So, it’s a start but it’s still a long way to go before I attain something I can really be proud of.
On a more sober note, this year, I’ve been compelled to put more emphasis on my health – sleeping early, eating regularly, easing up on the partying. PPH has loomed larger than usual, for many reasons. One being the costs of my medication. Two, having it to affect me more than I care to admit. Three, it actually being at the forefront of recent dramas. On and off this year, I’ve felt very afraid for myself, and guilty for the worry my family has for me… but here’s where I’ve discovered that God has come to provide in so many ways. In my blackest hours, there was always a way out, or an abiding sense of comfort and peace.
Sometimes you have to just let things be. And stop struggling for what you think you want out of life. Doesn’t it say somewhere that God laughs at our plans?
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been so tense this year and my mind’s so wrapped up in certain issues that I’ve neglected to just take a step back, get a bird’s eye view on things and just be more receptive to the positive things going on. I know I must sound a lot heavier than I did last year, but that’s just going to change. I will regain my optimism and start really feeling good again. That’s what I want next year, just a very small and humble aim.
Oh yes, and make more money. That always helps.
Next year, I also think there might be some big changes regarding my family’s living arrangements. I’m not sure what the verdict is going to be, but whatever it is, the priority must be that my parents must be happy. They’re retired and should spend their golden years in whatever way makes them happy. Happy. Can’t we all just be happy? We should. What the heck do we live for if not to be just that?
Regained a little faith, found a little comfort
A random chat with an ex-colleague. Decent guy, has a wonderful family, and runs a successful small agency. I’ve always respected him but I think this conversation really increased my regard for him by so much more. And that’s probably an indication of how much faith I’ve lost in people, because there was a time I assumed these beliefs were a given.
Me: ask u a hypothetical question
if u’d met her and found out sayyy, she had some disability in some way… would u still marry her?
SilverBoy says: Of course
Me: let’s say she couldnt have kids for some reason or other
SilverBoy says: Yes… I would still marry her
Me: let’s say the disability meant that her lifespan would be unpredictable (k getting morbid here but humour me hehe)
SilverBoy says: Then I’d make every minute I spend with her count.
April 4, 2010
RIP old friend
Got a call yesterday with news that an old classmate from Form 2 to Form 5 suddenly passed away. None of us know anything about what happened, and it’s 3rd, 4th hand information… we all lost touch with him years ago, and I remember bumping into him at a mall about 3 years ago or so, when he was with his fiance. I’ve learnt that he has since gotten married and has a kid. God bless his soul and his loved ones.
Back in high school, he was one of the cool rebel guys, who always made fun of the girls and got into trouble here and there. I remember he called me up for a chat in our initial months of knowing each other. It’s surreal hearing that he’s gone… isn’t he too young? Aren’t we all? As the friend who called me up said, I don’t know how to digest this. He wasn’t close to us, but whenever we had one of those big reunions, we’d always wonder what he was up to… but we never actually reached out to get in touch. I guess we will regret that now.
Again, life is too short, friends… let’s cherish the moments we have with each other.
December 28, 2009
Ode to friendship
It’s been a big, recurring theme this year, for many reasons. There were times when I needed but couldn’t find it, times when it came from unexpected places, and most importantly, there were times it came when I didn’t think I needed it but I actually did and the realization touched me in ways I didn’t know was possible.
Too often we’re too wrapped up in our own dramas, about the things we prioritise – family, work, partners – that we neglect the very thing that keeps us sane – a good friend. Who else is going to listen to your rabid rants, bitter reflections, dreamy speculations, your hopes and wishes, amongst other things?
I’ve always valued having certain individuals close to me as opposed to being surrounded by a lot of people. A quiet (or animated) talk over lunch is infinitely more valuable to me than being part of a raucous group of people having a ball – which works for certain occasions but certainly not day to day.
And because I value the few people I’m close to tremendously, I am steadfastly loyal to them, perhaps even to a fault. I defend them, whether from a 3rd party perspective they’ve earned it or not, I don’t judge their words or actions, I’m there 110% if I’m ever needed, I don’t lie to them, I’m quick to brush away their mistakes or faults, quick to speak up in their defense, and for all intents and purposes I’m practically blind to any wrong that they may commit. Because of the value they bring to my life.
This year, however, has opened my eyes to a few simple realities regarding friendship. Firstly – I shouldn’t/can’t expect this loyalty to be reciprocated because not everyone operates this way or feel as intensely about it as I do. Secondly – holding up anybody to any sort of expectation no matter how low is likely bound to lead to a disappointment. Thirdly – the length of a friendship has no bearing whatsoever to the closeness you feel in your heart.
Regarding length, take Nieves, for example. A colleague I’d casually known for a few years, with whom by chance and circumstance I happened to get to know better late last year. So different and seemingly so unlikely a pairing, but yet in such a short duration of time I feel we’re kindred spirits in many ways.
Our connection aside, she has shown me a new dimension in the limitless expanse known as friendship. It’s friendship on a day-to-day level, friendship down to the nitty gritty, as practical, specific and essential as she is. There’s nothing fluffy or pink about it, it’s her making a statement through her words and actions that: Hey, here I am, right here, today, at this very second, with all my logic and analysis, ready to listen and offer my take on things – right after I’m done with my own ranting!
She is present is what I marvel at the apparentness of it, and she works, like the clockwork on a watch, as steady and as reliable as a Tag Heuer. At the same time, there’s nothing mechanical about her, not even her ability to dissect a situation, truss it up like a turkey and roast it over the grill of her internal thought processes. It’s as organic as the turkey. There are emotions and faith and convictions attached to these analyses too, that don’t contradict but complement the rationales, presenting opinions that are uniquely hers.
I naturally put up certain boundaries with certain people… and initially I may have done that with her, by being my usual everything-is-fine, reticent self with my standard practice of non-disclosure. Which occurs because either a) I don’t like to worry people, b) Generally people aren’t interested in things they’re not involved in and c) I like to think I can solve my own problems. But the true essence of what she brings to the table really showed through in the times I was reluctant to talk – basically, she compelled me to and my real fear – which was being judged by someone I genuinely like and admire, even in the slightest – was unfounded. In opening up, you also let in understanding and empathy – that’s what I’ve been fortunate to discover.
It’s truly a rare thing to discover another soul to connect with in a platonic way so late in life, when we get so disjointed from people around us. I’ve been really fortunate and blessed in this case. I think it’s taken me to another level of awareness as to how I can be a better friend to the friends I already do have, how I can be as good a friend to her as she’s been to me. Right from the start, it just felt natural to want to reciprocate her warmth and goodwill. She inspires that, for sure.
So I guess that this post is an ode to friendship and to Nieves, which to me, they both mean the same thing.
When I think back upon this year, I won’t dwell upon the nasty stuff that has happened – namely the surgery and recovering from it – but everything that came as a result or after the fact. I’ve met many great new people, broke away from the dramas that were infesting my life, embarked on a relationship that has been meaningful in many ways, took up new activities, discovered so many new places in town, felt closer to my family, witnessed the beginning of things and the end of things – and Nieves was right there through it all.
Babe, I’ve been 110% behind you this year, cursing the assholes that grieved you, and I’m truly, genuinely happy that you’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel. Nobody deserves happiness more than you do, for all that you’ve been through and for the blessing you are in the lives of the people around you.
Gosh, I feel like ponies and rainbows will appear any moment now and we’ll be skipping in the fields…
With this, I can bid adieu to 2009 – may 2010 suck infinitely less than 2009 did!
