November 29, 2010
December’s coming
It’s my favourite month! My birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, random festivities… what’s there not to love about December. It’s a little early to do my year-end wrap up, but I have been having recurring thoughts about this year which I’d like to put down in case I forget.
Firstly – chemistry is rare, but so are decent, strong core values or philosophies or world views or approaches to life, whatever you want to call it. Chemistry has been put on such a pedestal, everything else takes a back seat. “Oh I have great chemistry with him/her” – so fucking what? Do they believe in love? In anything? What are their ideals? Are they willing to fight for you when the cards are laid out? Or are they the first to abandon ship? Chemistry is passe. And it’s entirely possible that you could mistake your own gregarious nature for chemistry. So just the fact that you can get along with somebody isn’t entirely reliable. It could be because you’re just a damn nice person.
So don’t put your eggs in the basket of chemistry. The eggs will be flung right back at you and you’ll be just there dripping with egg looking and feeling like a downright idiot for having bought any of the eggs in the first place.
If I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder it’s because it has hurt like nothing else has for a big part of this year. But you know what? I’m as tired of it as anybody would be after they’ve stewed in a pot of pain and self doubt and insecurity and low self esteem for as long as they have. There IS a reason why I reflect at the end of every year, which is to really to trim the weeds and plain hack off rotting limbs.
I will do whatever it takes to be happy and to make my time on Earth meaningful and did I say, be happy. HAPPY. If it means I have to sacrifice certain things for myself, then so be it. And to that end, I’m grateful to my friends – the usual suspects, you guys know who you are – for sticking by me no matter how tiresome it got, or how my heart wasn’t in anything else.
But I don’t want to appear to place so much significance on something which was just one part of so many other things going on my life.
My career reached another level this year, with an unexpected and fairly big raise, swankkky hotel stays in Singapore and being part of the teams that have won big local and regional pitches. I had chances to work with and get my writing reviewed with creative directors from India, New York, England and South Africa – which were invaluable experiences and gave me a newfound sense of confidence about my writing. I’ve led around 3 small pitch teams this year, which is no great shakes in itself, but nevertheless forced me to assume much more responsibilities than I normally would.
Do I enjoy being thrust in a leadership role? I’d say no, because of my natural aversion to being in the direct line of fire from my superiors, but I’d say it’s gratifying to see things come together, pushed and pushed inexorably towards this state of completion that just might come close to satisfying our perfectionist boss.
My personal writing has finally gotten a long-awaited kick in its proverbial arse, with 2 workshops – one short one at the beginning of the year, and a longer, more immersive one not too long ago. And I’m finally getting out of that where-do-i-even-begin mindset and gotten out pieces firstly on an art site, then peer-critiqued in the workshop, and currently in a state of mild panic to get this 80,000 word piece out by end of the year.
One of my pieces got published in a compilation of flash fiction from the aforementioned art site.
So, it’s a start but it’s still a long way to go before I attain something I can really be proud of.
On a more sober note, this year, I’ve been compelled to put more emphasis on my health – sleeping early, eating regularly, easing up on the partying. PPH has loomed larger than usual, for many reasons. One being the costs of my medication. Two, having it to affect me more than I care to admit. Three, it actually being at the forefront of recent dramas. On and off this year, I’ve felt very afraid for myself, and guilty for the worry my family has for me… but here’s where I’ve discovered that God has come to provide in so many ways. In my blackest hours, there was always a way out, or an abiding sense of comfort and peace.
Sometimes you have to just let things be. And stop struggling for what you think you want out of life. Doesn’t it say somewhere that God laughs at our plans?
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been so tense this year and my mind’s so wrapped up in certain issues that I’ve neglected to just take a step back, get a bird’s eye view on things and just be more receptive to the positive things going on. I know I must sound a lot heavier than I did last year, but that’s just going to change. I will regain my optimism and start really feeling good again. That’s what I want next year, just a very small and humble aim.
Oh yes, and make more money. That always helps.
Next year, I also think there might be some big changes regarding my family’s living arrangements. I’m not sure what the verdict is going to be, but whatever it is, the priority must be that my parents must be happy. They’re retired and should spend their golden years in whatever way makes them happy. Happy. Can’t we all just be happy? We should. What the heck do we live for if not to be just that?
May 7, 2010
Beautiful Bali indeed
What intrigues me about Bali is its inherent duality, often side by side and often starkly contrasting. On one hand, it is a deeply spiritual place with tradition, culture and rituals set in the ways of the people and imprinted in their old architecture – on the other, it whores itself to the hordes of tourists with streets of rowdy pubs, overpriced shops and just blatant and crass commercialism infesting every other corner. The locals are quite possibly the most humble, sincere and nicest people you could ever meet – but they won’t blink an eye in quoting you 5 times the price of what something’s worth.
Some of the things I loved were the gorgeous sceneries, their beautiful arts and craft, their particular style of ethnic design and architecture, and of course, the genuine warmth of the people I met. The place has soul, and my home city seems so cold and unfriendly in comparison.
The wedding was gorgeous. Bro rented a private villa atop a cliff which had a stunning view overlooking the Indian Ocean. If you peered long and hard enough, you might see Australia. They exchanged vows in a traditional Catholic ceremony with a kindly looking priest, on a little plateau jutting out of the villa. I doubt there was a dry eye in the little audience made up of the immediate families.
I have to thank my good friend S for pulling off such a beautiful wedding despite a lot of setbacks she experienced. It’s the stuff dream weddings are made of – from the stunning panorama serenaded by the achingly sweet string quartet, to the flower petals strewn on the grass, chiffon ribbons on the chairs and jovial wedding band during the alfresco dinner.
I was truly, truly happy for my brother and for my family. I saw how happy they all were, and that’s just how they should be. At this point in life, it’s things like these that really matter and give meaning.
March 13, 2010
On oddballs and domineering parents
I overhead my mum talking to her old old friend from yonks before… she had invited the friend to my bro’s wedding, and the friend called to talk about it. This friend has a son, YL, who was my brother’s childhood friend who used to come over all the time and they’d go to the arcade and my mum would be so pissed off at the both of them.
My bro and him drifted apart as people do, and we heard little snippets of news from his mother, that he had sunk into some sort of a clinical depression. That it was pretty bad and he had to take medications. The last I saw him was a few years ago, and he was so different from when he was younger trawling the neighbourhood with my bro.
He had put on a lot of weight, was quiet, and smiled or answered politely only when addressed. There was nothing untoward in his manner, except that it was a tad awkward. At their place, his mother told mine about how he was like and what he did and how she was taking care of him… at times even in front of him.
I remember having felt a little annoyed by that, her talking about his personal stuff like he wasn’t there. So I pretended not to have heard and tried to ask him some generic questions instead, because I imagined I’d be totally embarrassed and uncomfortable in his place.
Isn’t it kind of perpetuating the problem to talk about your son’s disorder in front of other people? I imagine my mum isn’t the only person she’s talked to about this WITHIN HEARING DISTANCE of him. I know that mother knows best and everything, and I’m sure it’s been a great personal challenge for her to deal with this alone (his father had left since we knew them), but if you want your son to gain some confidence and not feel like like an outcast, you wouldn’t be telling people about his odd habits or mannerisms or how you only allow him to do certain things, right? I mean come on. Your son’s not a freak show for people to point at and whisper about.
I can relate to YL in a small way. To anyone who enquired, like well-meaning friends or relatives, my dad tended to go on and on and on about my condition, from what it was to how it worked and my medications and what could be done and shitttt like that which I hardly even think about for most part of my days.
I don’t really care who knows about my medical crap but God forbid people start feeling SORRY for me.
My dad makes me feel like a patient.
When you come down to it I suppose I am, but it’s just hard to feel even remotely normal around him. Especially in the earlier days, when he never let up about health stuff, about what I should/shouldn’t do, how I should freaking live my life. He has always been so overbearing that even way back before I was diagnosed it wasn’t even much of a difficult decision as to who I should live with when my parents split.
But I see him every day, because he is my father and he is alone. This is the way he cares. All the obsessing about my medical stuff, arguing with and harassing doctors, being overcautious and paranoid – it’s his way. And therein lies my never ending internal conflict. Every time I lash out at him, the guilt goes beyond just having used harsh words and into the whole ‘ungrateful child’ thing. Because frankly, if it weren’t for his doggedness since the beginning in the search for PH specialist experts, getting 3rd 4th 5th opinions, I may not be sitting here right now on a humid Sunday afternoon listening to sappy music.
He does what he does because he cares. Some days, more than others, I feel like I’m living on borrowed time, and I know part of that I owe to him, my dad.
So I put up with his doctoring and try to be as good a daughter as I can without exploding. And try to feel as normal as I possibly can in the circumstances I’m in.
“The one choice I don’t have is whether or not I have it. But beyond that my choices are infinite. How I approach it is up to me.” – Michael J.Fox
December 31, 2008
Bye bye 2008
This year has been something of a mixed blessing… I have struggled with doubts, my principals and ideals, lapses in judgement, loss, and an awareness of a future and fate that’s suddenly looming all too soon. But as a result, there has been personal growth, a keener sense of responsibility and a reminder that happiness isn’t something that’s neatly packaged and served on a silver platter.
Everything I have today I’ve either been blessed with or had to work for it. And work was what I pretty much did the whole year round, so much so that until mid-November I took I think just 2 1/2 days of leave. That’s kinda sad.
But it definitely paid off professionally in my first year as senior copywriter. My writing style now has much more flexibility to appeal to different people whereas before I’d struggled with mature target audiences. The improvement came with the growing up, having to read more and probably the fact that I was thrown in the deep end for the Dell account…
During my job evaluation last week, my boss told me (rather dramatically, I thought) that ‘my time has come’. He wants me to step up on the leadership role with the creative teams, make more creative decisions, get involved in more client presentations (shudder), start concerning myself with the improvement of the junior writers – basically ‘monkey see monkey do’ with the creative heads. That’s something to… ‘look forward to’… in 2009, I suppose.
On a more personal front, I guess I will keep at what I’ve always been doing when it comes to my family, or try to do it better: Keep seeing to their needs, contribute financially as much as I can, exercise patience, and don’t let my mouth just fly when I’m irritated. And show them that I care in that bashful, non-expressive way that Asian families do.
And on an even more personal front, this is what I will work on as values seem to have taken a back seat in an increasingly cold world:
- Consideration and understanding towards the people important to me
- More empathy, more effort
- To stick to and uphold my faith and principals
Lastly, because I want to, for a certain special someone:
- To always keep the channels of communication open
- Genuinely stick to working stuff out without taking the easy route
- Commit
The lack of these were pretty much the main reasons why previous relationships didn’t last. But by trusting me he’s restored faith in my ability to make things work. It’s been refreshing, like I’ve been given a clean slate and empowered to fill it with great things.
I guess that pretty much sums up what’s coming up… who knows? But carpe diem, it’s in our hands.
Have a good one tonight!
March 19, 2008
Clipped wings
