Bye bye 2008
This year has been something of a mixed blessing… I have struggled with doubts, my principals and ideals, lapses in judgement, loss, and an awareness of a future and fate that’s suddenly looming all too soon. But as a result, there has been personal growth, a keener sense of responsibility and a reminder that happiness isn’t something that’s neatly packaged and served on a silver platter.
Everything I have today I’ve either been blessed with or had to work for it. And work was what I pretty much did the whole year round, so much so that until mid-November I took I think just 2 1/2 days of leave. That’s kinda sad.
But it definitely paid off professionally in my first year as senior copywriter. My writing style now has much more flexibility to appeal to different people whereas before I’d struggled with mature target audiences. The improvement came with the growing up, having to read more and probably the fact that I was thrown in the deep end for the Dell account…
During my job evaluation last week, my boss told me (rather dramatically, I thought) that ‘my time has come’. He wants me to step up on the leadership role with the creative teams, make more creative decisions, get involved in more client presentations (shudder), start concerning myself with the improvement of the junior writers – basically ‘monkey see monkey do’ with the creative heads. That’s something to… ‘look forward to’… in 2009, I suppose.
On a more personal front, I guess I will keep at what I’ve always been doing when it comes to my family, or try to do it better: Keep seeing to their needs, contribute financially as much as I can, exercise patience, and don’t let my mouth just fly when I’m irritated. And show them that I care in that bashful, non-expressive way that Asian families do.
And on an even more personal front, this is what I will work on as values seem to have taken a back seat in an increasingly cold world:
- Consideration and understanding towards the people important to me
- More empathy, more effort
- To stick to and uphold my faith and principals
Lastly, because I want to, for a certain special someone:
- To always keep the channels of communication open
- Genuinely stick to working stuff out without taking the easy route
- Commit
The lack of these were pretty much the main reasons why previous relationships didn’t last. But by trusting me he’s restored faith in my ability to make things work. It’s been refreshing, like I’ve been given a clean slate and empowered to fill it with great things.
I guess that pretty much sums up what’s coming up… who knows? But carpe diem, it’s in our hands.
Have a good one tonight!
12.28.08
Whose secret have you spilled lately?
Seriously, nowadays you can’t trust anyone with any sort of information whatsoever. Even this blog’s URL may have been compromised and for my own precaution, I’m looking at changing it really soon as soon as I can decide on a suitable URL.
Deliberately, I have a really tiny pool of people who either a) read my shit, b) know of its existence, or c) I tell shit to, so it’s really easy for me to identify who knows what and who said what to who. Because even the person who I’m NOT telling shit to can’t keep a secret and hence, that’s how I know certain information has been leaked to this said person.
It’s not that I’m so bothered by the fact that the info gets out. But I don’t tell certain people certain things to protect THEM from facts they can’t handle. You’re only hurting them, because they cannot handle the truth or are trying to get over the truth. So you would be doing a disservice to not so much ME, but the said people.
I’m over being angry, because to be angry is to give you the honour of taking up a bit of space in my head, and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve the space of a speck of a disgested carrot that ends up coming out of my dog’s ass. You would be contaminating my dog’s crap.
Anyway, so to the people who seem to have no other better thing to do than to speculate about my absolutely fantastic life and gossip about it: I’m sorry your own existence is this sad. And actually, I don’t mind you reading my blog if it rubs it into your face that I have a fuller, richer, happier life than yours.
It’s the Christmas season though, the time for forgiving and all that, so I wil try to honour the laws that God laid out years before. Love thy enemy and all that. (In fact, keep thy enemies closer lol). And aside from certain pockets of drama springing up, I’ve actually never been happier in a long time, thanks to a certain someone.
So yes, to YOU who have spilled my secrets: I may be able to forgive in time, but as for forgetting? I’m not that good a Christian.
Nutcracker, Li Wei, marriage and more
So I went down to Singapore over the weekend to watch The Nutcracker, which, if you are arts-impaired, is the ballet with music composed by Tchaikovsky. It was held at the Esplanade, choreographed and performed by the Singapore Dance Theatre. As usual, I have nothing to say but complimentary things about the Singapore dance scene. Having been in the NUS Dance Ensemble, I can safely say that there will not be a shortage of awesome gay dancers to take the country into infinity and beyond in this respect LOL.
En pointe!
Anyway, the performance was beautiful in terms of the gorgeous sets, the costumes and the technical/artistic standards of the choreography and dancing. It was slightly different than the version I’d watched with Pierre years ago, some bits better, some bits not as good… but close enough for me to remember what it was like watching it with him. I kinda teared up at one point thinking that he would’ve enjoyed it, either watching or working backstage, and offered a quick prayer in his memory. He is watching the best plays in front row seats where he is right now.
The rest of the trip was mostly just leisurely walking around and meeting up with old friends. There was an ex who’s getting married – yes, that one – whose wedding is next week so it wouldn’t be practical for me to go down again. We met up for breakfast, caught up with news, I handed him his gift, wished him all the happiness in the world and felt relieved my duty was done. But I am genuinely glad he found somebody. He’s outwardly the same charismatic guy I fell for, but I had gotten to know him through and through during that tumultuous 1 1/2 years, and suffice to say, I’m glad it’s over, buried and in the past.
Later on, passing a shop in Far East Plaza, I decided to get hair extensions! Yea yea, I can never decide if I like it short or long. Cropped was cool, and a lot of people liked me in that but maybe because it was different, I don’t know. Anyway, I find more security in long hair… it’s more conventional, more girly, and safe I guess. If short was a guy, he’d be the bad-ass on a bike. My creative head M says now I look like someone’s bitch lol. Maybe I am hahahaha.
I named my extensions Li Wei, since the hair is real hair from China. LOL. Wo shi chung guo ren!
Looks kinda like this, braided onto real hair. But my hair is black, so the elastic isn’t obvious.
Met up with old uni friends the next day. I’m really glad that even after we’ve all been seperated here and there for at least 5 years, we still can get together and it feels like it was just yesterday we were bumming around in each other’s rooms, talking shit, watching shit like Kung Pow, gorging on shit and just doing nothing but…shit. Good times! We’re still as crappy as ever!
Yea well, that was my weekend and the end of my one week leave.
12.17.08
Some things are hard to say
She found it difficult to express what she felt right there and then, and all along. It was as if her tongue suddenly froze, even though she was warm inside out.
Random thoughts and memories flickered in her mind, to the few times when she had been exuberant about such things. What happened since? Life had progressed, for one, along with cynicism, distrust, and a sense of apathy.
But now the exuberance was back, strangely and unexpectedly; she thought it was one of those things lost forever, that she could never feel that deeply again; but now it was inevitably tempered by those things which had set in along the way.
Why did she think she could not ever be moved again? She wondered. “Because you were always in control,” a little voice spoke at the back of her mind. She understood. Control was everything, because you only had control when you could stand to lose what you had. The moment you weren’t afraid of losing what you had was the moment you could detach.
And there she was, moved beyond the event horizon, and her tongue was frozen.
“So do you remember what was it you wanted to say?”
“Oh… no, I forgot again.”
“It must not have been that important then.”
“Yea, I guess it wasn’t.”
12.15.08
They leave imprints in our skies
Was listening to Light Years by Pearl Jam, and then my friend talked about losing her mother. I thought about Pierre and started bawling. We cannot forget the people who’ve come and gone. They blaze in the sky like meteors, and when they go, we keep their light in our hearts.
—–
I’ve used hammers made out of wood
I have played games with pieces and rules
I undeciphered tricks at the bar
But now you’re gone, I haven’t figured out why
I’ve come up with riddles and jokes about war
I figured out numbers and what they’re for
I’ve understood feelings and I’ve understood words but how could you be taken away?
And wherever you’ve gone and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, today just disappeared
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars
With heavy breath awakened regrets
Back pages and days that only could have been spent together but we were miles apart
Every inch between us becomes light years now
No time to be void or save up on life
Oh, you got to spend it all
And wherever you’ve gone, and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, you seem to like it here
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars
—–
12.14.08
A happy happy day
- Got to spend time with my mum and aunt watching a stand up comedy
- Got an awesome vinyl record of Pearl Jam’s Ten
- Woke up laughing like hell, because I was asked, “Am I in the way of your mining? Or harpooning?”
- Ahem.
- Was reacquainted with WoW.
- Delicious lunch with cheese sausages and rosti with bacon bits.
- Received a pretty silver Perlini’s ring and some awesome clothes.
- Had a pretty awesome dinner with bestie and friends.
- Was sung to for the first time in ages.
- Danced the rest of the day away, with ‘green tea’ lol.
- Had a certain special someone with me almost the entire day and night
- Damn high.
- Saw a Jabbawockie wannabe (but he was good and really entertaining!)
- Saw “Jesus Christ” lolol.
- Damn high.
I’m blessed indeed. In the recent years, my birthdays have been more subdued, quiet affairs… maybe because I usually just feel like I should take the time to reflect on the year and how fortunate I am. I felt like that today too, but one thing led to another and then suddenly I’m having the time of my life.
And isn’t that what it should be all about? In Light Years, Pearl Jam said, “No time to be void or save up on life, oh you’ve got to spend it all.” You never know when you’re gonna go…
I’m happy, I like this feeling.
12.11.08
Black
Earlier on this morning, I was listening to Black by Pearl Jam and it was replaying in my head during breakfast and suddenly, I was overcome by this gut-wrenching sense of loss. What did I feel like I was losing? I don’t know. But his voice full of anguish and pathos somehow reached somewhere deep inside me and pulled something out.
I’ve lost not just one but many things along the way, things that I could never have back in my posession. My childhood, for one… my naivete, innocence, love, friends, moments… many of those, just swept away to dwindle to faded memories that no one but myself will ever remember.
What kind of a person am I as a result of it, or what kind of a person am I becoming? But perhaps more importantly: what kind of a person do I want to be? After all, we constantly shape and define ourselves by the decisions we make and the principles we uphold.
I’ve frequently put off making the right decisions, maybe to avoid any more loss. But I think I end up losing more.
I really don’t want to lose all that I have right now.
