11.26.08
If I could apologize to every one of them
I’m sorry I was young and shallow.
I’m sorry I met you.
I’m sorry I lied.
I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance.
I’m sorry you wallowed in self-importance.
I’m sorry for blowing up.
Im sorry I cheated.
I’m sorry for my indecision.
I’m sorry I was deaf to the wedding bells.
Im sorry I didn’t put my heart and soul in it.
I’m not sorry.
I’m sorry for the half truths.
Freaking sorry.
I want to move on and do the right thing now.
11.19.08
Sometimes it’s better to
Sometimes it’s better to stop making excuses.
Sometimes it’s better to start smelling the roses.
Sometimes it’s better to lay the cards on the table.
Sometimes it’s better to make that change, if you are able.
Sometimes it’s better to do things the hard way.
Sometimes it’s better to take things a small step a day.
Sometimes it’s better to admit you lied.
But most of the time it’s just easier to hide.
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Yeah, so I’m a regular WIlliam Wordsworth now =P
11.18.08
Logic vs instinct
To a certain extent, we calculate the pros and cons of the actions we want to take. Some of us aren’t very good at it, while others put a great deal of attention and care into it. Those of us who aren’t big on the whole reasoning process when it comes to the things we do tend to rely on something else as a basis for our actions: instinct.
It probably came from the days when we lived in caves. Those who hesitated or didn’t follow their intuition were probably gutted, gored, guzzled up and removed from the process of natural selection. The ability for logical thought came only later with the evolution of the cerebral cortex or whatever primitive version of one. Under all that rational thought and deductive reasoning, we have this instinctive survival mechanism – to fight or flee, to mate, to propagate.
I’m trying to feel for some sort of excuse as to why some of us are reckless in making decisions. Is it by some primitive instinctive urge or perhaps an unconscious rebellion against the order of things? Or just plain irresponsibility?
But through experience, acting on your gut instincts make you more likely to:
1. Make mistakes
2. Make a fool out of yourself
3. Hurt other people
Maybe we allow ourselves to because we get instant gratification.
Maybe some of us just have poor impulse control.
Maybe it would be wiser now to start trying the other way. Now that I’m older, or approaching older, it would be in bad taste to keep blaming my rashness on my age now wouldn’t it?
11.12.08
Ramblings on a beach
I popped on “Off He Goes” by Pearl Jam on a strand of beach in Pulau Tioman with a pen and paper, and this was the jumbled, unstructured result:
I’m sitting here on this big piece of driftwood washed ashore, perspiring, with the mellow strums of a Pearl Jam song punctuated by gentle waves rolling ashore. It is calm and I’ve not felt as peaceful as this in the longest time.
The setting sun casts a soft light on the world. The sea isn’t as vivid a blue as it was this morning. It is like she is dimming and fading, preparing for the night to come. The outcrops of rock and trees in the distance seem formidable. They were born thousands of years ago, and will continue long after I’m gone. We live but a minuscule fraction of time to be of any significance to anything else other than ourselves and our little worlds. Life is short, and one gets a sense of it while being surrounded by the beautiful majesty of nature.
It feels like I’m all alone. Here, and anywhere. That’s how I came into the world, and that’s how I’ll leave it. Our remains will turn to dust and return to earth. But I feel God’s love. Surely nothing so beautiful, inside and out, could exist by pure, random collisions of particles.
There is a flock of small birds fluttering by in formation. Surely this juxtaposition of freedom against the sea stretching its limits along the shore is divine. I’m grateful, to be alive, here and now. Where I’m going, where I’ll be next, I don’t know. But for now, this is beautiful.
The waves in the distance look like the rise of water above the play of dolphins. The sun’s rays flaring behind the clouds look like the gates of heaven. There is no balm more soothing. Maybe it’s also a sense of awe that comes with being near the elements from which we are said to originate. We crawled out of the primordial slush of the rich organic seas.
The horizon stretches.
It is cooler now.
11.06.08
Every Breath You Take
It just so happened my English Lit. class were dissecting songs, and our lecturer picked this one, and I listened to it in class and it somehow just fit my situation, and got stuck in my head. It seems like it’s some romantic love song at the outset, but when you get to know the lyrics, it’s kind of not. It’s really quite a sinister, stalker-ish , dark kind of song. The ‘antagonist’ is not just hung up and in pain over his love, he wants to possess and control and know everything about her too.
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I’ll be watching you
Oh, can’t you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I’ll be watching you
Since you’ve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please
How scary it is that I related to the feeling! It’s the kind of pain you feel even smack in mid-afternoon, when you don’t even feel like crawling out of bed because you don’t want to face the world and face the realities of your sad situation. Your eyes are red and puffy, and when you realize how sad and pathetic you are and god, how much you need the other person, you feel a fresh stream running down your cheeks.
Despite the fact that he isn’t there at the time of your life when you need him the most, despite the fact that your core values are different or that he is too selfish or that you just know he isn’t the one for you… you still wake up every day wishing you didn’t. Because you’re so convinced you can change him and be the good thing in his life, and that he belongs to you and he’s meant to be with you… the depth of conviction is to me, at the core of this song.
I wanted to be back in his life so much that I lost sight of who I was and what I deserved. The fact that he just lived upstairs compounded my desperation. Looking back, I should’ve been surrounded with people who made me happy or been with someone who cared for me, instead of having to deal with my issues one mind-numbing day at a time, alone.
Well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. We were on and off, on again and off again… by the time the holidays were over, I decided to stay in KL for good. There was nothing holding me to Sg by then. I ended things between us properly, the way it should’ve been done a long time ago. I felt like I was so much bigger and so much better a person than he was.
He eventually apologized for the way he treated me; after his experience with his next girlfriend, he said he realized how he never appreciated me, and I said I forgave him… but did I really?
I think now I do, and maybe I should tell him. He would understand, because he’s big on the whole Christian forgiveness thing. But I do mean it, I’ve let it go. We can have normal, friendly, though slightly awkward conversations, and I saw him at Pierre’s memorial service. He has since also invited me to his wedding next month, which I was considering not attending to save the awkwardness. But my old hallmate said he would be happy to receive my blessing, and I guess it’s really time to bury the hatchet. Maybe it would be worth the trouble to go down.
Awesome songs
I was listening to D’s CD in his car, which was 95% filled with pop junk… but ONE or TWO little gems were hidden in that pile of audio rubbish, which kind of totally made up for everything hehe, which is a testamount to how awesome they were.
Like Baba O’ Riley by The Who. My god, what a great song. It was originally penned for a rock opera, but then the production was scrapped and they released it in their next album instead. I like the way they incorporated this folksy little tune while retaining this epic classic rock sound, with power chords and all. I don’t get the lyrics, e.g. Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals… wtf lol, but I totally feel the song! It’s also used in CSI NY.
The other song which I have quite an emotional attachment to is Every Breath You Take by The Police. It’s a good thing the P.Diddy version didn’t spoil this original for me, as covers tend to. Whenever I hear this song, it brings me back to my uni days in Singapore, or more specifically the time when I was kind of heartsick over my then on-and-off boyfriend.
Oh well. More on this song in the next post; I went way too off-topic once I got started on it lol.
11.04.08
Facebook bug?!
This is weird. Maybe some leet programmer can help me out with this.
Okay. Dee and I are friends* with Nicole.
Nicole has a friend called Monica.
Dee and I are not friends with Monica.
Dee can see Monica on Nicole’s list of friends.
But I cannot! I can’t search for Monica either, but Dee can.
How is this possible?!
*”Friend” refers to someone we have added to our list of friends.
