05.25.08
Good curry mee and then some
I was brought to this place near Mont Kiara in a back alley that serves excellent curry mee.
“How’s the curry mee?”
“It’s really good, I like it.”
“So I just wanted to tell you that I’m still in love with you.”
*choke on curry*
“I have always loved you.”
Flashback to 3 years ago, to the screaming fights, the slamming of doors, the cold silences.
“So how’s the tom yum?”
Ok I didn’t exactly reply with that, but I desperately wanted to avoid the inevitable conversation. What do you say to someone whose love you cannot return? Sorry maybe next time?
I felt a pang of regret for how things had turned out, at how he must hurt. I could have a stable, comfortable life, if only I can find it within myself to settle down with somebody as decent and reliable and all those things as him. But I’d just be doing a disservice to both of us. I feel stifled easily, and he can be overbearing. He’s precise to the point of rigidity, and I prefer flexibility. I”m restless, he thrives on stability.
We tried it out, it just didn’t work.
Why can’t people just leave things be the way they are? Why must there be MORE, or a need to fix things that aren’t broken in the first place? It has been a comfortable friendship and now I may be forced to cut back on it just so I don’t inadvertently “lead him on”.
I’ve been accused of that a number of times, by a bitter guy or two. What am I supposed to do… hang up on him? Ignore him? Tell him I don’t ever want to see him again? I’m willing to take some responsibility but my accusers have been partly to blame for having false hopes and not seeing what they did not want to see.
Here are some signs that a girl is not interested / has some reason to avoid you:
1. She SAYS she will call you back
2. The only thing she initiates is saying goodbye
3. She’s nice and polite, but never divulges any personal information
4. She never replies your messages
5. She just doesn’t show any inclination that she cares about what you did or who you did it with
But I digress. I understand why D feels that he has to tell me. I guess if i were in his place, I would feel that I had nothing to lose. We’re friends, that will never change. But getting hung up over all this is holding him back from exploring other possibilities. He deserves to settle down with someone who can give him what he’s looking for.
And that’s about all I can say about this.
05.13.08
Cats in the cradle
I’ve always found this song very melancholic and bittersweet. It was originally a folk rock song by Harry Chapin, though I first heard the Ugly Kid Joe version. It’s always been a staple song when I was growing up and it wasn’t until my English class in college examined contemporary songs that I knew the full import of it.
The famous chorus goes:
And the cats in the cradle
and the silver spoon
little boy blue and the
man on the moon
when you comin’ home son
I don’t know when
we’ll get together then
you know we’ll have
a good time then
The song is about a father who is too busy to spend any time with his son, and always gives vague promises that he will. The young son doesn’t resent the father; rather he wants to be like the him. When the son grows up, he actually does turn out like the father – he gives the retired old man the same vague promises of spending time. The son’s now too busy with his own family, work, whatever.
A vicious cycle.
I’ve always liked the reference to nursery rhymes with the silver spoon, little boy blue, man on the moon, etc, in the chorus… even when I didn’t know what it meant. It has a nice lyrical quality to it. Now I guess it’s meant to allude to a childhood lost and missed by the father.
I think I connect more with songs about, heh, parents. If you know me, you know I feel a keen responsibility to mine. I don’t necessarily show them as much affection as I guess I should, but that’s just thanks to the Asian expression of non-expression. And my relationship with my dad is a whole different story altogether… that needs a whole new post ><
Ok, back to work. Sigh.
05.09.08
Dedicated to her and her dad
It was a gravelly sound, punctuated with the thunk of the spades as the workers shovelled earth into the grave. There was a certain air of finality to it. In a tragedy, there comes a certain point when what seemed surreal begins to take a grim shape. For me, that was it. There was something about the act of burying that seemed so inevitable.
I tried to imagine what she was feeling, aside from her grief. Like stopping the workers? Swiping at the sand that was slowly piling up? Telling everyone to please go home because I just want to spend some time alone with my father without all you people who hardly knew him anyway?
The poor girl could hardly have had any moment to herself between the time of her dad’s passing late last night, and the ceremony early this morning. Yet, in her sorrow and her strength, she looked heart-breakingly beautiful. From afar, I caught sight of her through the gaps between the leaves of plants and shrubs dotting the graveyard that seemed to frame her almost-cherubic face – and all of a sudden I taken by the notion that her dad, the photography buff, would’ve taken such a perfect shot of her.
He has taken gorgeous shots of her on their family trips. I like to think that he liked to because he thought she was like an angel.
He wasn’t just talented with aesthetics (it’s written all over their house). He was warm, charismatic, interesting, funny and all of that to all of us who knew him as the coolest dad we’d ever met. I admired how he raised his family to be open and loving and affectionate to each other and to others, just like he himself was. In all the years we’ve known him as the cool dad, he was really the loving dad who gave his kids just what they needed.
She has showed such amazing strength and endurance through the whole ordeal. I am truly, deeply sorry for your loss, from the bottom of my heart. We were so fond of him and we will miss him.
I believe that those who have left us all too early are in a better place now and that one day we will see them again. As long as we keep them in our hearts, they’ll never really be gone.
05.08.08
Just wondering
Do people make things up when they’re drunk or does the alcohol induce them to tell the truth?
05.06.08
On growing up and marriage
What an insanely scary topic. Neither are things I wanna have anything to do with! But unfortunately, being where I am and being around people who are older/more mature/wiser/more insane than I am, it seeps into my consciousness more often than I’d like.
As far as growing up goes, I’m fine leaving all my childish preconceptions behind. I find that certain convictions I had when I was young(er) just don’t hold any water today. It’s like I’ve not just gone 360 degrees in a full circle, but 540 degrees, so technically I’m at 180 degrees in total opposition from where I was…
…
I’ve accepted it that I am no longer as idealistic as I was, though I still hold ideals. Whether or not I achieve them or try to is another matter. I’m more cynical, sadly, though I stubbornly retain a streak of rainbow-hued optimism which some people may mistake as naivete. I feel the need to be more self-motivated, to take responsibility and to be accountable for my decisions.
Growing up sucks.
One of the few things I’m glad of, though, is that I have more financial power to be independent and to take care of my parents. Ever the filial daughter, I want them to enjoy their retirement years. So being able to a certain extent to take care of their expenses is actually quite gratifying.
And of course, one can’t talk about growing up without the inevitable shadow of marriage lurking at the edge of thought. One by one, friends are being engulfed! Is it just me or does anyone else dare think it’s overrated? I feel a sense of slight panic when I hear a peer is getting married. Why the hell should I?! Has society so conditioned us to think that it’s a validation of our place in it that there’s no greater doom than to be single?
I respect and almost envy those with the fortune to meet their future life partners, who have conviction in the strength of the relationship and are willing to commit to it for the long haul. But from personal experiences and as an ocassional observer of married couples, the whole concept just scares me. Do people actually really know what they’re getting into?
Case in point; one of my friends who has been with her boyfriend for several years, was seriously rethinking her relationship. She felt they had lost what they had and was considering breaking up. She never mentioned any of this to him at the time. Shortly after, he romanced her and proposed to her during a random hotel getaway. She was so surprised and touched, there was really no question of what her answer was. And she never mentioned her doubts again. After the inital impact, did she feel obligation to keep the engagement? Or was this new level of commitment what she needed to sustain the relationship? Nobody’s going to know now because she just got on a one-way train.
Another case in point; a closer friend of mine is very driven in her career. In uni, she was constantly on the dean’s list and graduated one of the top in her faculty. She has a great paying job and a bright future. Suddenly, her boyfriend of several years proposes. She, who has never considered marriage, was stunned and gave a non-commital answer. But basically she agreed to it BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T SAY NO. It’s not that she doesn’t love him or doesn’t want to marry him someday, but as a result of this, both their families have been pestering them to set a date. It’s just… not fair. She has a right to want it first before being pushed into it.
Circumstances and family pressures aside…. I think there are some people who aren’t mentally or emotionally equipped for marriage. I think I may be one of those people! So my aunt should stop trying to hook me up with random 40-year-old liver surgeons, no matter how rich they are.
I mean sure it would be nice to find that one person I can connect with on all levels… but seriously, what are the chances of THAT happening?
05.05.08
Ants in my house
They’re a damned devious bunch. You leave bits of food on the counter for just a few minutes, and they come marching towards it like Nazis hell-bent on world domination. All it takes is one ant – ONE ANT! - or what I call the forward scout, to chance upon the scrap, and with some psychic voodoo connection he tells all his friends to come for the party.
There are a few annoying types. Like the small red ones that come on the kitchen counter from God knows what crack in the wall. Or if my dog doesn’t finish her food quickly, the same ones will swarm all over her bowl, peppered with a few big black ones. These black ones tend to be the first to arrive at the techno rave in full swing, RIGHT ON TOP OF IT, and they’re kind of skittish. Maybe it’s the party drugs. It’s easy to flick them off; I think due to their size and height, their grip on the bowl is weaker than the smaller ones with more centre of gravity.
I’ve noted that these ants appear most during the morning. Almost none at night. I’ve theorised that they’re energetic and refreshed after a good night’s sleep and so are ready for the aforementioned world domination in the morning.
The red ones are the most painful. I got bitten once and for some reason at the time I had a big allergic reaction to it. A part of my wrist just swelled up and it felt weird and slightly sore for the whole day. I suspect it was because I killed a few of its relatives while ridding the counter of them. Now, I’m against senseless killing… I wouldn’t just snuff the life out of some random insect just because I felt like it. But when it comes to cleaning a surface, I fully exercise my right in being at the top of the food chain.
While we’re on the subject of ants, I’d like to randomly extend an analogy to people who annoy me. There are one or two I’d so dearly love to squash.
05.02.08
The differences between di…men and pus…women.
Time and time again, I’m reminded about what it’s like to date men (no, it hasn’t been THAT long ago) and I wouldn’t mind being single again. As a collective, I find the different aspects of both genders fascinating, annoying, and endearing all at the same time. Some traits you can live with, some you can’t live without, and some make you want to pull out your hair. Having experienced them more…closely, certain things stand out to me.
| TRAIT | Men | Butches | Women |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sensitivity | Low degree, to the point of cluelessness. Some exceptions. | High degree, to the point it freaks me out. NO exceptions! | Depends. When it concerns them, especially. |
| Being affectionate | Not often. Unless it’s a prelude to sex! | All the time, though it gets awkward in public | Most of the time |
| Ego | Big | The harder the butch, the bigger | Small |
| Generousity | A lot | To a point it’s ridiculous | The least |
| Emotional dependence | Generally little. | A LOT. | A fair bit. Especially submissive ones. |
| Ability to compromise | Slightly retarded in this area. | High, to the point of being pushovers. | Even more retarded than men in this area. |
| Skills in bed | Directly proportionate to how well they kiss. | Rarely bad. | Directly proportionate to how much experience they’ve had. |
I’m generalizing, of course… but there are just a few inescapable facts. A man’s ego, for example. A woman’s willingness to please. A butch’s tortured outlook in life. Oh they’re almost always tortured… because they’ve had to deal with estrangement on different levels, an awkward childhood, parental pressures, the desire to find a partner… it’s tough to be a butch!Then you have the exceptions. Like, the needy, sensitive, emotionally dependent man who turns into a stalker when his girlfriend dumps him. Or the player butch who can turn a straight girl gay. Or very driven, ambitious women who don’t wait around for some rich guy to sweep them off their feet.People are interesting this way.
