07.13.09
I am going home
I’m staring into cyberspace to take a blissful few moments of doing nothing before I pack up and leave work. A funny thought enters my head as I recall my boss’ pep talk (and he rarely gives them) regarding this big pitch we’re all staying up late for.
What he said:
Guys, I have picked this team because I believe that all of you have what it takes for us to win this pitch.
What I heard:
Guys, each of you have been slacking off for weeks, so it’s time to get your asses moving and mark my words, they’re on the line because if we don’t retain our biggest client ever in the history of the company, I will do a Donald Trump on you.
*shudder*
07.12.09
It’s not always doom and gloom
Why’d you need to sit in front of a computer and bang away on a keyboard if things are all fine and dandy? It’s when things aren’t that you do. Hence, this little space of mine is full of whiny emo bullshit.
Oh yeah, and I forgot about this… see, some people actually lap my textual diarrhea up gleefully and make snide annonymous little comments possibly thinking that a) I would give a rat’s ass and b) I wouldn’t think that the person who wrote it had the mental and emotional maturity of a 13 year old (no offense to 13 year olds)*. I laughed out loud ‘cos it was so obvious. C’monnn, spare me the lame attempt at mysterious spite and don’t bother with the fake smile the next time you see me.
K, I was derailed from my train of thought… now I’ve forgotten what I wanted to write about. Ok, actually I remember now. But don’t feel like talking about it as it’s late. Yawn, good night.
*a) I wouldn’t; b) I would
05.21.09
The moment
When you take the trouble to really listen to what someone’s saying and ask the right questions, you’ll find that more often than not, they’ll want to continue talking. I think that we are usually so wrapped up in our own heads that we truly don’t take the time to listen.
And why should that be? The world’s full of interesting people with interesting stories. I like hearing about stuff, opinions, experiences, whatever. Maybe it’s because sub-consciously I know I may not live through much in a short time. Or I like living through other people as my own life seems pretty mundane in comparison.
There comes a moment in a conversation, when the other person seems comfortable – eager, even – to confide and open up completely. I revel in these moments when I feel I’ve gained the ease and trust of the person I’m talking to. It is a moment of honesty, of a soul laid bare, of walls temporarily removed, when I hold still, almost afraid to say anything or change my expression in case the spell is broken.
And then there is the inevitable “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this”. Honestly, I don’t know either. But I do know that I cherish these moments of sharing and empathy, like gifts bestowed upon me in these bleak days.
05.11.09
On the subject of morality
Me me me me me… yes, this blog is all about me. I was wondering if I’ve been too self-absorbed with my posts when I also realized this is MY blog. Lol. What am I supposed to write about… current affairs? My country’s crumbling political system? Who’s dating who or who’s wearing what? We already have newspapers and tabloids to deal with that. And if I feel any of those worthy of my comments, then I will provide some. Until then, I’m just going to bore my limited pool of readers with stuff about me. That’s why you guys rock, ‘cos you stomach all this stuff just to check out what’s going on in my increasingly mundane life. ><
Anyway. Today I feel like crapping out some thoughts on morality. It is a timeless issue that we may respond to differently at different stages in our lives. But in making a stand, no matter what your life situation is, you build your character and take a step towards the ideals you want to personify.
Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong? Some of us have religions that dictate these things, and some of us are ruled by some sense of ethics possibly shaped by societal norm and culture and whatever. Humans have empathy, so generally we conduct ourselves in a way that does not cause pain and suffering to the next person.
How far does a person take his or her moral conviction? Until it becomes an inconvenience? Until it gets in the way of self-gratification? Until something has to be sacrificed in order to do the right thing?
The people I admire most hold their ground until the end, no matter what it takes to uphold their principles.
How about morals with regards to commitment? It should be fairly straightforward – if you’re committed, then commit to being committed. If not, one betrays the other’s love and trust and hence, causes the aforementioned pain and suffering. So why do bastards and bitches do it? After all, we’re supposed to be a moral and civilised society. Can there be any justification for cheating?
I’m inclined to say no, you cannot ever justify ripping a person’s heart out of their throats. But who am I to judge? All I know is that the ideals that I would like to personify do not allow for it. If there’s a problem, fix it. If there’s another person, don’t pursue it.
I agree with what a wise young woman said, that commitment is the conscious making of decisions that honour the commitment. Politely decline the invitation for drinks, for example. Don’t reply messages, or avoid situations that could potentially tempt you. No matter how hot the antagonist is. Because some things are worth saving and keeping and treasuring.
And on a biological perspective, people commit to increase their chances of conceiving and then their chances of raising an offspring to maturity. So commitment is a GOOD thing. Lol.
Just some food for thought before we all start a fresh week in our moral lives.
05.06.09
A stupid poem
I hate writing or reading poems, because the only ones that actually sound like poems have rhymes force-fitted in that end up sounding awkward at the end of the lines. And the ones that don’t sound like poems sound like randomly disjointed sentences strung together in a semblance of a theme.
Tried writing a prose once for a guy who probably had no idea how long it took to write it and probably wouldn’t have appreciated it more anyway.
In the spirit of the whole emo phase I seem to be going through, I think it warrants some emo poem. It would only be fitting. In fact, it’s practically required in these circumstances.
Why…
Does it feel like the pit of doom
How…
Have I sunk into such gloom
Who…
Gives a shit about me
What…
Is the meaning of this misery
Perhaps the answer is within
Where puppies roam and angels sing
Hahahaha… that was really lame.
People will disappoint
God knows I’ve done my fair share of disappointing people – boyfriends, friends, family, whoever – and it doesn’t feel good to let people down, but it really really sucks when the reverse happens.
Maybe I spoke too soon about looking forward to Monday because while MonDAY was sort of ok with too much work to really dwell on the bad weekend, MonNIGHT took a turn for the worse, very unexpectedly, just like how today is taking a turn for the worse.
The movie cheered me up somewhat, but my mood turned black as the sky when I was back home.
In these few days, the people who know me best and whom I care about the most simultaneously decided in their heads that it was a good time to give one back to me.
It’s beautiful how harmoniously the universe works. I mean, it just wouldn’t do for them, for Circumstances, to stagger their blows. No, obviously the world doesn’t spin that way. As it should be, the punches were delivered at the same time with very generous helping of force, like a big cosmic knuckle sandwich.
Alright, you get the breath knocked out of you, but you gotta roll with it right? Get up, suck it up and move on with life.
That’d be easy if I didn’t intermittently get angry and upset throughout the day.
For whatever my faults are (and I know there are plenty), I am there for each and every one of those I care about. I might be late, I might not be able to find the right words, or do the right thing even, whatever, but I will get there and be there in whatever way I can. I will stick up for you when others criticize (the need for this is more often than one might think), I will justify your actions even if you don’t deserve it and I will defend you whether you’re right or wrong. It may sound like blind loyalty, but that’s my promise to the few people I give a damn about. If I’ve failed anyone in doing this, it is not my intention.
Knowing what I’m willing to do and have done makes it incredibly frustrating on top of feeling abandoned.
Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that I’ve had to rush a big presentation for these past two days. Only had time to brood in between delivering stuff and meetings.
Tired of dark thoughts for the past couple of days. You know, either I’m worth it or I’m not. If I’m not, don’t waste my time and yours.
05.04.09
Shitty weekend
On the shit scale of 1-10, with 1 being on par with the time I had to be admitted for dengue fever, this weekend scores around 1.5 – and only because I could take a bath anytime I wanted to. Many instances were similar – like it was hot all the time, my mood swung back and forth between bad and crap, and it was an opportunity to reassess the people/things in my life.
It started out with a night of crappy clubbing, continued with the crappy breakdown of my crappy car, was peppered with people who (if they had not made it worse) brought nothing to my generally dismal weekend, and is now ending with a crappy blog entry.
Basically it was full of shit and I’m glad it’s over. For once, I’m glad to go back to work on Monday.
04.11.09
Misunderstood
This morning, one question I asked my dad set him off on a tirade against me. He ranted and raved at my perceived insolence/ingratitude and threatened to get out of the car. Tempted as I was to let him, I had to quell the burning anger inside and try to speak calmly. I didn’t quite succeed but my retorts might’ve been a tad more restrained than I originally intended. I was furious and indignant at constantly being talked down to in the past 2 days or so, being put under pressure for something he delayed and finally, for having my question misinterpreted. All I asked was: SO YOU’RE TAKING THE CAR?
Wtf, wtf.
And then at night, I was lashed out at for not picking up the phone. Was accused of purposely not picking it up, which 1) begs the question why I would do that, 2) implies I was avoiding the call hence implying I’m up to something 3) does not make sense considering I had sent a message not too long before that. The reason is simple: I could not hear the phone above the noise of the dinner crowd at peak hour in the mall.
I’m kind of fed up of today. The only thing that might have redeemed it was watching the band again. Vijay David and Albert Sirimal once again took my mind, heart and soul to a very pleasant place. They rock.
04.02.09
Silver clouds
I’ve been all gloom and doom lately, it’s even been getting to me! Not only due to my surgery but also while in the hospital I had some time (well, a lot of time) to think about the things in my life, and I really want to get more out of every day. We toil and toil day in day out, and in the endless cycle of rinse and repeat we lose sight of what we’re doing it for.
So together with my recently discovered kindred spirit Nieves, I’m going to try and do more things that I enjoy and maybe even meet new people on the way. We’re in absolute agreement on this course of action! So far we’ve been checking out salsa bars (with the intention of taking up classes next month; would be perfect if djb can join us too!) and attending live band nights at this cool place. Well ok, I attended one night but plan to go again tomorrow. The band that night plays very classic rock oldies like the Beatles, and they really surpassed my expectations. I knew they would be seasoned performers, but the lead singer can also play several instruments (he totally rocked the harmonica), and the guitarist had pretty l33t skillz. They both can sing well too. I mean… this is no Laundry with prepubescent kids who are still taking music lessons lol.
Doing this feels good not because I wanna be ‘happening’… I would go and mindlessly club in KL if that were the case… but it’s adds something meaningful to my day. I love dance, I love music, and I get to have good conversations with someone whose company I enjoy. I’ve also met some new people, like Eve’s friends, and another salsa newbie.
There’s something about small talk with new people that brings the hope and sparkle of fresh beginnings; that your slate is wiped clean and without the baggage of your past, without the preconceptions that casual acquaintances (and sometimes close friends) have about you, you can be the person you want to be. Dunno if that made any sense.
Attending salsa gatherings has been quite an education – I had no idea people met up so regularly and in such large numbers! Well, relatively large, though nothing compared to line dancing aunties, heheh. Now they are hardcore, lol. It’s inspiring too, ‘cos you wanna be able to do all those cool moves. But tonight Nieves had to abruptly leave, because there was a… situation she had to go deal with. Be strong babe, and don’t forget how much you’ve achieved over the last few months.
I’m sleeeeepy now… just thought I’d update before logging off and calling djb. I love hearing his voice before I sleep.
Hope… I… can… wake… up… for… work…
